Chosing to protect yourself from a toxic relative.
I think I really hurt my Mom. I didn't mean to. She called tonight asking me if I would be interested in a little family vacation to Daytona in August. I got excited for a moment thinking about taking some time off work to spend a week vacationing with my Mom and her husband. Then something hit me and filled me with dread, and I asked her... "Would Jason be going too?" Jason is my younger brother. He's a drug addict. She think's he's clean. He's not. I was married a few weeks ago and allowed him to come to my reception. He didn't even show up for my wedding. He attempted to steal alcohol and furniture from the cabin I rented, he annoyed my friends and was rude to them. He asked me for money more times than I can count. He seems to live to do nothing but steal, lie, and make me ashamed of him. My Dad took him, my husband, and I out for dinner for my birthday and he stole from the restaurant and was so rude to our very kind waitress that I told him I never wanted to be seen in public with him again. I told my Mom if he was going I would rather just not go. He attempted to steal from me AGAIN, and I just can't relax around him. He embarrasses me in public and I have to babysit him constantly so he doesn't wind up in jail...again. Anytime I have gone anywhere with him it has ended in disaster. My Mom sounded absolutely crushed when I told her I wanted to go with her, but without him. If I went with him he would be begging me for money and causing drama to no end. I can't handle it. A vacation is fun and he sucks the fun right out of it. I have no doubts he would do something dumb that would hurt himself and cause my Mom and her husband a lot of grief and debt. He's already tapped my Dad out- he's moved on to her. I can't watch him ruin my Mother's vacation and I know she would let him. Was I right in telling my Mom this? I just feel so guilty. I didn't mean to hurt her and I didn't mean to cause any family discord. I love my Mom and I honestly love my brother, but until he just grows the fudge up (he's almost 22) and stops being an absolute garbage heap of a person I simply don't want to be around him. My husband isn't home so I suppose what I'm looking for here is a little comfort and validation. I would call my husband but he's away and already asleep and I don't want to bother him with my pettyness.I wanted to hear how others dealt this this. This isn't new behavior by any means but he's been acting this way since he was 13. I expected him to get over it. I don't want to force my Mom to chose between us but she's in complete denial about her son. I'm afraid she's going to witness him being carried out of her basement in a body bag or asked to come identify his body. He's already nearly killed himself once in an intoxicated car crash. He has no teeth and he's 21. It's incredibly difficult to watch this spiral and I feel there's nothing I can do to stop it.
You did exactly the right thing. The best thing to do is encourage your Mom to get some counseling. Addiction is one of the most difficult things a family can go through. It sounds like your Mom is enabling your brother and until that stops the pain is only going to increase for your Mom and your brother will be lucky to survive. You did the best thing you could do and set a wonderful example for your Mom. Tell her how much you love her and express to her that you guys are in TROUBLE and are in way over your heads. Plead with her to see a substance abuse counselor that specializes in family. At the very least urge her to go to Alanon. You are a smart and brave woman. You should be proud of yourself. You took a mature, but difficult stand. Hopefully the rest of the family will bond together and help each other through this. Good luck to you. My prayers and admiration are with you.Love,Indi
Indi
Thank you for the response! And thank you for keeping my family in your thoughts. :)The thing is, I am a therapist. I worked in substance abuse. I have tried to educate my Mom as much as I possibly can- she just refuses to see it. She think he's cleaned up his act and trying to improve when he's really not. He expects my parents to take care of him for the rest of his life. I have tried for years to get my Mom to go into counseling, or at the very least medication. My Mom has had untreated Bipolar disorder for as long as I have been alive. Her rages were legendary. I feel my brother may have some personality disorder issues- possibly narcissistic, and he also refuses to go into any sort of treatment. He went to a Suxobone clinic once where they were going to give him a massive discount if he attended group therapy, and he refused. I just hope my Mom survives the crash that's coming. I'm honestly shocked he hasn't OD'd at least once by now. She told me the first time he was arrested she felt like a failure as a mother. When he has his REAL crash out I'm not sure how she can handle it. She's always been a denial sort of woman- ignore it and it'll go away. This won't go away. He's either going to have a serious health issue or some serious prison time.
That's really too bad about your Mom not being open to treatment for her own mental illness. I went for a doctorate in psychology, but left before I finished. It wasn't for me. I have suffered from depression since I was 13, I'm 36 now. When I started getting treatment for it at 26, I didn't get relief for quite a while. It took a long time to find the right medication, but in the past 3 years I've found a combination that really works and I'm thrilled. Now I can enjoy my life year-round, whereas before 3-4 months a year would be spent dealing with depression. I would not wish mental illness on anyone. It's extremely hard to identify and treat. Your family is in a very difficult situation and you did the only thing you could. You made the only sane choice, and it's not just the best thing for you, it may help your Mom to see the situation more realistically. Good luck, I know how difficult these situations are to live through.
Indi
Good for you. I'm proud of you, even if I don't know you- I know exactly what you mean about toxic relatives. My father happens to be my toxic relationship, unfortunately, so sometimes it gets a bit harder to deal with. He's not a substance abuser (that's my mother, but she's getting help and she never tries to dump her problems on me), but he is hyper-critical and short-tempered. I have had esteem problems since I was a child, and much of it has stemmed from him. I've been told that he "only loves me because I'm his daughter", that I'm "never going to be a successful musician", and that, when my mother was admitted to rehab, it was my fault. I finally took a stand against him while in a facility a few weeks ago, and he wrote a letter to my therapist, saying I was lying about my medical history so he obviously had to be involved with my treatment, and if I didn't sign a release for him to be involved, he'd take away my insurance and car. It was tough, but it finally made both me and my mother see how he acts. My mother has told him that if he doesn't get therapy, she's going to leave him. I have not spoken to him in two weeks. I hope your mother sees what a toxic leech your brother is. It sounds like he needs not only some serious help but a serious, serious wakeup call, and I will keep your family in my prayers! Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me to see that I'm not the only one that has to deal with toxic family!Love,Vexy
My heart is with you Hon: you have made a very bold and brave choice and I so admire your strength! If I could "advise" one single thing it would to be stick to your guns...I know,it can be impossibly hard BUT,you have to preserve what's "good" in your life and with your relationship in regards to your family in spite of your brother's bad choices.Sounds harsh but I have a stepdaughter who wrecked similar havoc on our family at one point in a similar way.ONLY when we stopped "enabling" here did she truly begin to see what she was doing and to make changes herself.We were very lucky in that.You can try,beg,threaten,and use every trick in the book but ultimately,his choices may well,as you describe, result in tragedy unless changes are made.Have you considered a family "intervention?"It sounds like he persists in this self-destructive and yes,selfish behavior because he has been able to continue "getting away" with it...maybe it's time for some pro-advice and some drastic and hard choices before your poor Mom has harder "things" to deal with?Sounds like he isn't even "trying" to improve his life...Hoping it will get better and you are so wonderful for caring about your family as you do.I know it can be very hard and sometimes it's just not possible to "go it alone" and have good results.
Thank you ladies, I appreciate your kinds words. :) Vexy, I'm so sad to hear about your father. Rejection from a parent is a terrible thing. When my Mom would enter a particularly bad phase she would scream that we had ruined her life and that she wished she'd never had children. She would always apologize afterward but, damn. That hurts as a kid. I think you've handled your situation very well. mjsred, it must have been tough being in that situation as a step-mom. My step-father is in much the same situation with my brother. My step-father was an aocholic for many years. He told us before he stopped drinking right before he met my Mom he basically stayed drunk for 8 years straight, no sobriety to be found. He feels he can't judge my brother because of his own past mistakes and that he can't tell my brother what to do because he's not the "real" Dad. I don't think my brother has spent a lot of time with our biological father since he missed my wedding. I've never seen my Dad so diasppointed in my brother, even when he was arrested. He called him and told him he needed to make some choices in life if he wanted his family to continue to be there for him. My brother hung up on him of course. This requires a bit of explination as to why he was so upset- my wedding was delayed by two hours. Even if he left at the time my wedding was SUPPOSED to be at- he would have been early. He arrived after the ceremony was over, during the photos, making him a grand total of nearly 4 hours late.My Dad has reached the end of his rope, I just really wish my Mom would. My brother told me that she found his marijuana plants growing in the basement and he told her he was trying to sell them to someone and he would get rid of them soon. And she believed him. Not to mention that he is growing and selling drugs from my mother's house. She allowed him to keep them because he said he would get rid of them "soon". I'm no angel and have done a lot of stuff in my life. I have never endangered my family or harmed anyone in any of my escapades. It's just difficult to watch my Mom make these excuses. She used to be so anti-drug it was a little ridiculous. Now she says, "at least it's not pain pills or crack". Not to mention he's still doing that too. I'm all for him doing whatever he wants- as long as he doesn't hurt my family or endanger them. My Mom was in a terrible financial situation for a long time. She lost 3 cars and two homes. She finally owns a home and is doing well, and I know he could screw it all up so badly if he were ever caught dealing out of her house.
I can hardly add to the wonderful advice you have already received, these women know what they are talking about. It's so hard but tremendously healthy that you are learning how not to enable others. Don't give up. I wish I would have learned this lesson when I was in my twenties. Instead, at age 35 I'm still fumbling my way through this sort of thing. Your heart is pure and you are doing the right thing, don't forget that.
I forgot to add. The thing that helps me the most is to remind myself, I absolutely can not control how other people live not matter how much I love them. They are responsible for their own actions. That is true for the addicted and the people who love them. For me, it is all about letting go and living my life the best way I can. Stay strong.
Amen, stylemama! It's all about letting things go (anger, guilt, frustration) and living the best darn life you can. By wanting or trying to change someone else, you are giving up your own control. No matter how much you love them, sometimes you need to just let go. Unfortunately, you cannot change an abuser's behavior. They must do it themselves.
My husband and I went through a similar situation with his sister who is also a druggie but about 38 and I don't see her changing her ways any time soon. She has crushed my husband beyond belief with the numerous babies she's had which she does not take care of and he has had to cut her completely out of his life which too, killed his mother. We let our guard down and let her come to our wedding. She showed up pregnant, drinking, smoking, and generally making a nuisance out of herself. I hate that she's even IN our wedding pictures. Plus she interrupted our wedding processional by JUMPING out INTO the aisle and throwing her arms around my husband not even halfway down the aisle. Every time I see that on my wedding video I just cringe.Point is sweetie...we are all going to have people like this and I think you did the right thing to not go. I'm sorry for your mom but if she's going to live in denial then she's going to have to deal with the ramifications. You are in a new marriage and you don't need to have druggies around you causing chaos. They always will, they will always steal, lie and try to borrow money. Until they are better you just can't have them around. You have to self protect and one day your mom will come to understand why. If she can't...at least you won't live your life with a drug addict constantly trying to ruin everything. You are in my prayers sweetie.
Love, hugs and shoes...Angie
Do what you feel is going to keep YOU emotionally healthy, and financially sound. It's hard, but it's important to remember that forgiving and enabling are not the same thing. Be strong!!!
♥ Lipgloss and Spandex: a blog for gals who look good and run fast
You did the right thing! You are smart enough to already know what will happen if you go with him and you have every right to choose not to put yourself in that position!
I want to thank all of you ladies once again! sweetassgal, that must have been a terrible experience. I was furious with my brother walking in so late and attempting to act as if everything was normal. He was rude to my friends, but during the actual ceremony I think he only really ruffled myself. I can't imagine if he had made such a scene, and to be forever captured on video! Ugh!I talked to my mother today for the first time since I told her. She seemed better, and just asked if Jason and I were "ok now". My Dad and brother came for a visit today since it was my brother's birthday. He mostly behaved himself, but still managed to embarrass me in public. I think me telling him to "get out" at my wedding reall ymade some sort of impression to make him at least calm down a little in my presence. I still don't think I could habdle an wntire week or two with him as I don't think he would be able to keep up the act, but it's an improvement. Perhaps he'll get over it one day. I can only hope. Thank all of you for the prayers and kind words. They mean a great deal to me! Know that you all are in my thoughts and I hope that all of your have wonderful lives and those of you with toxic relatives of your own find some peace in this world.
I think you made the right decision. You know what you can and can not handle.
I think you a stronger person for making the decision you did. I know it's hard. I know from experience.My father is...well...a complete and utter mess. He is now 55, and still cannot manage his finances, his home (when he has one). He had a job in the management area of the healthcare field for 25 years and simply walked away...since then, he's worked at gas stations, and most recently, at Steak'n'Shake. He is an alcoholic. I actually received a phone call one day two summers ago from his boss at the gas station he was working at the time letting me know that she was worried about him. Apparently, he'd been working alone and started telling customers to go away because their computers and gas pumps were down. They were not. What WAS going on is that he had managed to drink over 50 pints of vodka in one week. AT WORK. Stealing them, no less...He was homeless shortly thereafter. He called and asked if he could live with me. It killed me, he's my daddy...he can be a wonderful and fun person...all of my friends LOVE him and his quirky personality...but I told him no. I said I didn't have the room..which, I really didn't, but...I did have a couch in addition to my bed. I couldn't do it, though. I've lived with him in the past...he's stolen from me, let me down, lied to me...let me live in an apartment with no heat or hot water through an entire winter...when I'd given him more than enough money to pay the gas bill. You can't take care of someone else who refuses to do their part in working towards something better. Those people are leeches. We love them, but they suck us dry until there's so very little left...and we have to take the time to take ourselves in...fix ourselves back up..keep moving forward and upward.I've found peace in a distance. I love my dad...I see him at least once a week or more...he comes over to my place and asks for coffee...and money. And whatever else I'll give him...but that's where it stops. This is my home, my life, my space. I have to keep it mine. If I let him take over...well...he doesn't change, but I do. For the worse.Pick your battles wisely...don't fight a war that won't end any differently whether you're there or not...some people simply cannot be helped. Your brother may come around...it's very likely he will, considering his age, so all is not lost...but there's no point making yourself miserable until he reaches that point.I wish you and your family the best of luck...and I hope your brother comes around to find himself, the love that surrounds him, and his own happiness. As for you...well, you just keep yourself well taken care of. Don't let your brother's current state affect your life negatively. Keep your distance until you're okay.
There's nothing wrong with that. Families are dysfunctional :(family reunion next week... not looking forward to it.
Oh wow wishfuleyes, what a terrible situation to be in. You are incredibly brave for telling your FATHER those things. I have told my brother he can't stay with me, after my mother told him he could (long story) but your father is an entirely different situation. I commend you on your bravery and thank for sharing the story. It's difficult to watch a parent spiral out of control like that. My husband's mother is schizophrenic and in a terrible state right now, and has been for months now. She nearly got herself arrested a few days ago threatening some hospital staff for records of her stay over 6 years ago. We want to help her, but we can't. We have no money to give her and no money to pay for a private hospital stay while she is stabalized. I know it's a matter of time before she's picked up for wandering the streets, but I fear she will be homeless by then. She refuses any advice I give her because she's extremely distrustful of me and thinks I'm keeping my husband from her. I'm proud of you for keeping yourself healthy and sane in that situation. I can't imagine getting a phone call about my own father from his boss, and how helpless that would make me feel. The bravery of the women who have posted here is incredible. I never knew so many women here delt with addiction and abuse in their own families. Keep fighting the good fight ladies and keeping yourselves sane.
you made a good choice, when i go on vacation, i want to enjoy it
I think you did the right thing. Seems like some great advice here as well. I know I have a couple I just stay away from. Could be going to a family reunion this weekend, but, the two toxics (bigots) will be there so we won't. We are happier -and by we I mean DH and myself - not acting royal here, LOL. I am sure it is hard on your Mom, but, her enabling him doesn't help him. Maybe she will get this, maybe hearing your views will help her in this.
My family is full of semi-toxic relationships. Unfortunately, it's only part of the time. It would be better if they were horrible people all of the time, but they aren't. It's kind of like poison in small doses. You get dosed, but not enough to kill you so you feel a bit sick, maybe cry a bit, pick yourself up and move on. Then you get dosed again, a bigger one this time. You vomit, cry, yell and then nothing gets fixed so you just sweep it under the rug and go on. I have mountains under my rugs. But I've yet to receive the fatal dose. Anybody got any ipecac?
wistfuleyes, my heart breaks for you! Thank you so much for sharing your very personal story. Wishing you and your dad the best of luck in your relationship...
♥ Lipgloss and Spandex: a blog for gals who look good and run fast
Once you accept that there is nothing you can do to change the situation, you just have to do what you can to protect yourself from a toxic family member. And that is exactly what you are doing. It's hard, but it really sounds like you have a handle on it. I suspect that your mom knows in her heart that Jason is every bit as messed up as you say he is, but sometimes the only way you can handle that is through denial.