GUILT KNOWS NO REASON-THANK-YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND ADAM!
Meg here! We will be doing Sweetassgal's post very soon but I wanted to touch on a universal product that is delivered to us daily-"Hi there, feeling good? Well you shouldn't. You really are terrible. I mean...How could you? No, really, how could you?"
Hi! My name is Meg and I'm a GUILTAHOLIC. I just made the term up but it may already be out there as the condition is quite prevalent between us feeling ladies.
"I would do it for you" O.K. Done, I'll do it for you. "It's not my fault" I'll believe you and help you...I'm not doing this anymore. There is a balance between friend and doormat and I'm still learning it. I'm not great at this lesson. It has taken "friend" after "friend" to step on me for money, connections, opportunities-everything really before I see the light. Usually once I see the "light" I have lost tens of thousands of dollars in pay-off creep-ola dues. Thankfully, through all of the stress and money I have not lost my life. Yes, it can happen.
My parents were never great examples to me on how to treat people. Even at a young age I remember thinking "this is pretty wrong." I have always tried to be a conscious adult to be generous, to do favors and to just treat people how I would like to be treated. I believe now the term is "overcompensating."
Not only have I been trying to right every wrong in my life but I have been trying to make up for all the wrongs my parents did. I just can't anymore.
When I "feel bad" I now have to step back and examine "why do I feel bad for the choices this person made in their life?"
It's not easy. I'm not Jesus and I have no business pretending I am. Maybe it was all of the Sunday School classes. Sweetheart I am 33 and I understand why Jesus died for all of our sins at my age...It was the flipping ulcers we gave him! Seriously, nail me to a cross before I need to send you checks, house you and just generally take you under my wing. The birds pecking at my flesh would be the same sensation.
Is it a strange sensation to have guilt while knowing you're a good person? Yes, it is. We all know we do the best we can but sometimes we just can't sleep soundly. Adam Goldstein died this week. Professionally he was known as DJ AM. I read all of the comments that were left on his death on Defamer and other websites and they angered me. "Crackie had enough money to get help." Was written by anonymous people that have no clue.
Money doesn't buy a nights rest, fame doesn't erase guilt. Plane crashes don't evaporate. Almost every night I wake up in a sweat over my Martin and wonder what I could have said or done differently. The answer...Absolutely nothing.
Guilt is a driving force and in an email, obtained by RadarOnline.com, is dated October 19, 2008.
"Man this is almost too much for me to handle right now," Goldstein, known as DJ AM, wrote.
"I had no idea how the survivors guilt could have felt. I'm a mess though man. I just hope time will fix this depressed feeling asap," he continued.
"I can't go on being this miserable."
I have emails from Adam-I will never publish them. I'm not saying they were scandalous-they're so so not. They are just friend to friend emails that never mean a thing until one friend is gone. He was a wonderful, upbeat and funny guy. The world lost a true shining light and I 100% believe there was survivor's guilt that propelled this amazing person to start to self medicate to deal with the pain.
I know I get overwhelmed with pressure and the thoughts that I need to "take care of everyone." I know my friend and I shared the thoughts of the guilt of the survivor. I'm not a better or more evolved person, if I were next to Martin and I lived...Well, I don't think that would have been attainable.
Since I have read of the passing of Adam I have said a prayer. I think it's really the prayer for all of us. We need to stop taking on all of the world's challenges and just take 40 seconds of a deep breath for ourselves...
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Let your guilt go! What have you done to let yourself off this ridiculous hook!
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I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Praying is all you can really do.I should add that I lost someone very close to me in rather similar circumstances, so I know how the guilt can eat at you, but in the end, people really do decide their own fate.So, just keep praying.
I am truly sorry for your loss. It can't be easy, asking oneself if there was anything one could have done to prevent it. I am not a religious person at all, but know that at least all of my well wishes go out to you. I really do hope you will be able to put the feeling of guilt to rest, since the "what if..." thoughts are the worst kind of thoughts one can ever have (been there). So big, big, big hugs!
Oh Meg, I'm so sorry for another loss so soon. I find it much easier to give than to receive. And I always want to go the extra mile for others. I think it's based on the fact that I never felt 'good enough'. I had a difficult childhood, and my mother was a difficult person who thought I was a massive disappointment at every level. So I've always tried to make up for it by overcompensating, doing too much, apologizing, not wanting to be a problem to anyone, or put them out of their way etc. Obviously, putting yourself out as a doormat has repercussions, and I have been walked all over so often I can't keep track. Age has lessened the hold this behaviour has on me, but as soon as I'm stressed I find myself rerunning the 'I'm not good enough etc etc' tape in my head. It's a peculiar thing that there is not a single person in the world, including my mother that I hold a grudge against or have not forgiven - except one - me. No matter how utterly futile this is, I blame myself for everything I did and do wrong - and I cannot entirely shake the feeling that on some level my mother was right about me.When I was growing up, you didn't talk about these things openly, and a lot of people still don't. But it's only by talking about it openly and honestly that you see how many of your fellow travelers on this road of Life also have these issues. There so much candor on this site - inspired by you, and the odd thing is - it makes me respect everyone so much more. If you can't face your demons, you aren't looking at life square in the face. Much love to all you wonderful ladies, and the odd male on this site.
Rie
I love that poem! I am truley sorry for your loss.
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*sigh* I'm sorry to hear this :( i really hate the feeling of guild and also regret...i can't quite describe it but it's a slight chill after someone has wacked me over the head with a cooking pan.I've felt a lot of guilt and regret. mainly because I, quite often, take things.. well rather, people for granted, especially my friends.. shameful to say but even boyfriends. I guess i really don't know what i have until it's gone. but no matter how many times i go through this I always end taking people for granted again. Guess i literally need a little person to hit me on the head every now and then.
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I'm sorry for your loss and even sorrier that he could not find the right words to tell someone he needed help. I just saw a clip that showed him trying to start a new tv show (like intervention) and it showed him taking someones drugs to stop them from using. He's later sitting in his truck holding the crack pipe and freaking out--I really hope that in his effort to help others that he did not fall back into his addictions!I don't know him and didn't really follow him as a performer/musician but....he seemed like a genuine person (not like some celebs). I really hope that everyone who was close to him can step back and realize that they did not fail him!
Wow! What a testament to Adam with this outpouring of love. Thats a true testament to his character with people who may have never felt his influence sending their affection and sympathy to all who knew him. Thats a true celebration of him and of your friendship to him Meg. We all mourn your loss because if you valued his friendship then that means he had a good heart. Like hangs with like!
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Meg, guilt is a killer. I always say that if I could harness the power of my Jewish guilt I alone could light up at least the entire Eastern Seaboard singlehanded. This weekend I saw the season finale of my BBC-America guilty pleasure, "Being Human," in which one of the trio of supernatural housemates in Bristol (yes, that Bristol, the one they keep in England) asks after a whine, "Is that werewolf guilt or Jewish guilt?" to which the Jewish werewolf replies, "They're pretty much the same thing." The only thing you can do in situations like this is a two-fold plan: 1) be humble, and by that I mean realize that when something this drastic takes place there is probably nothing you could have done other than be the good friend you obviously were, and 2) do him the honor of remembering him with kindness and not letting others belittle your memories.
Iam so sorry to hear that a friend of yours is gone!! it is aweful when some one we love or even just know a little bit is gone!! Its an aweful feeling!! Big hugs and kisses to you!!!
Meg, I am so sorry. I was so sad to learn last weekend that he had died. What a struggle he endured. While his pain (emotional and physical) led him down a path you and I might not take, it doesn't mean you don't still love him and miss him terribly.
i'm so sorry you lost another friend tragically so very soon. survivor guilt blows. 3-1/2 years ago my mother died in an single car accident that i was the driver in. she died - i walked away. and 3-1/2 years later i struggle daily with thinking it should of been me and with knowing logically that's wasn't a choice to be made. help is abundant but quite hard to reach out for. he's quit hurting and worrying now. all of this made perfect sense in my head and was totally relevant. RIP adam.
This is why I value you so highly beautiful girl! You have a heart that is SO full of love and light and yet you allow yourself to feel so deeply,including the pain.There is nothing one can "say" to fix such a loss,I can only offer you my love and support and the knowledge that you are not alone.I used to "overcompensate" as well but as I get older,I have realized that guilt is useless and that by offering what's valid and current in terms of one's love,the guilt or "shortcomings" seem to ease up a bit...we can only go forward and do our best everyday.My Dad lived his life by that poem as an alcoholic for many years and by accepting,he went on to help many others and found his personal "peace"...I wish the same for you Darlin' girl. You are loved and admired.:)
My name is Holly and I am also a people pleaser and a guiltaholic. All I can say is that I am working on it one day at a time.Meg, I am sorry for your loss. I wish there was a silver bullet cure to make you feel better.
I was very sad when I heard about AM's death, because I know he must've been in a great deal of both physical and emotional pain after the accident, and I'm sorry to hear of harsh judgements that uninformed and unsympathetic people are making.Most guilt I have comes from just saying no sometimes, which is something I'm still learning how to do.
Meg...some people just don't understand that even famous people are just people. All the fame and money in the world doesn't change the way people feel inside. I was so sorry to hear of his passing and often wondered how he was doing after the crash. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for him and Travis. I am glad that you got to know him while he was with us and that you can speak to his character as a person...not as a celebrity. People are people Meg...and you treat them as such.As for guilt...if you have a conscience you have guilt. I have trouble saying NO too. I just don't like disappointing people and I like to see them happy. Trust in one thing Meg...I will never take you for granted. I appreciate all you have done for us here and hope I can repay you some day.
Love, hugs and shoes...Angie
oh wow, I am sorry for your loss. I did hear about this on the radio and they went into why it might have happened, really do we all need to know that? Can't the dead be respected without digging into their personal lives? Guilt is normal, you always think of what you could have done that may have changed things but you can't beat yourself up about it. ((hugs))
Can't the dead be respected without digging into their personal lives?Ugh, this drives me crazy too. The dead person is gone and won't be affected by the gossip and innuendo, but his friends/family will be. So heartless
I agree sunshinegal, surely we can be respectful of people who have died, especially those that have endured trauma. I can understand giving consideration to how this happened, if it is for the purpose of helping others in similiar circumstances achieve different outcomes for themselves, but it needs to be done in a considerate and non-judgemental fashion. I can't imagine why people would be so rude, and want read the website Meg mentions as I'm sure it will just infuriate me.Meg, I'm sorry to hear that you lost a friend and that to make matters worse, people were disrespectful to this friend. My thoughts are with you.
Awww I'm so sorry you have to go through this Meg losing someone we love is the hardest thing to go through !!!!Love and Hugs to you Meg x x
I'm sorry you lost such a great friend! *HUGS*
I do not believe anyone ever goes through difficulties and trials in vain. I pray someone will see their own situation and pain through Adam's death, and reach out, hang on, find a way to get some help.....
Rie
What a great, heartfelt article Meg. I am sorry that you are once again experiencing loss. You are such an amazing and beautiful person inside and out, and I hope that you will always remember that. I'm also an incessant "care giver", and have been used and abused by some people that I now know were never worth it. It is very difficult to change your ways and go against your first instinct to help. However, it will be worth it in the long run. The better care you take of yourself will allow you to grow and be a happy,healthy person. And only then can you really help those you love (those that truly deserve it, of course). Take Care,Britts
Im really sorry about your loss Meg. It is hard to lose a friend and it seems that you have dealt with loss a lot lately.The most recent loss was the person that I love and care for more than anything in the world. Things were rocky between us, and so I went to NY to be with him for the month of August to try and patch things up. He was never home, and when he was, he was watching TV in his mothers room, ignoring the fact that I just spent 12 hours on a bus, quit my job, and dedicated the rest of my summer to being with him.I cried for 3 days straight while he told me he never loved me, doesnt care about me, told me to pack my shit and leave. Nothing hurts more than the person you traveled so far to see, telling you to leave. I could have stayed if I wanted to, because he even said that he didnt really expect me to book a bus ticket for the next day and leave. But ultimately it was my decision to leave, and the day I left, it got to the point where he pushed me so far over the edge, that I lost control and I fought him. Physically. Upon coming back here, I realized that Im tired of beating myself up over guys, and that Im tired of crying. I cried all I could cry, and when you really love someone, the best thing to do is just move forward. Although me and him still talk, and are trying to figure things out and where we stand, Im doing what I can to make it work, but Im not going to let myself give as much energy as I did, to the point where Im left emotionally drained.The best thing I find is to just move forward. Things happen for a reason, and good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.
Dear Meg, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing 2 friends in such a short time really stinks. Also, your comments on our pathological need to please others really hit home too. My Mom and Dad were both wonderful, sweet people - and they treated people very nicely. They mostly were NOT doormats though, so i don't know where my syndrome came from. But I definitely agree with Rie's comments about not being "good enough." Oh Lordy! Does that sound like me or what? TJ, Catholic guilt is almost as powerful as Jewish guilt. We could have a head-to-head, celebrity death match on that topic! I used to think the Korean War was my fault. I got that idea somehow when I was a little kid. Meg - hang in there. Time doesn't necessarily cure heartache, but it does make it a little less painful.
Carole
You've inspired so many of us with this post. I am so sorry you are faced with a loss of this nature yet again. Rest and know that you are loved and no one is as good to their friends as you are. None of us can ask for anything more than that. Good bye to guilt and hello to meaningful discernment. You have what it takes, all the tools, intelligence and the insight to realize what a waste of time and energy guilt is. Bravo. This is gonna be your year girl, hold on tight.CUGO, Why of why do you have to live so damn far away? It's just not right on so many levels.......
I am a people pleaser too, but I have found a way somehow to let go of the guilt. When I start feling bad feelings of guilt or anything else for that matter, I ask myself if it is something I need to own? If not, then I dont own it. I let it go. But I always assess myself to see my hand in it. I am sorry for you meg, and very sorry to hear about DJ AM. I was shocked when I saw it online. Its very sad. Remember to live in the moment, and when you start to loose yourself, B.R.E.A.T.H.....deeply. xoxoxo
Guilt can be such a useless emotion. People shouldn't use it in such an awful manner. If you make a mistake learn from it and move on. You can't undo something that's already been done. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I'll keep him in my prayers.
Wow. I am very sorry for your loss, and it must be especially hard for you because this is so publicized and it sounds like you two were close.You shouldn't feel guilty! Let it go and move on. Beating yourself up over it and thinking about it constantly won't help the problem. Relax, everything will be okay!
I am so sorry for your loss! you worded this post so well- I completely understand what you mean about how odd it is to feel guilt when you know you are a good person, i am everyones agony aunt and take on everyone elses problems and try so hard to please everyone. I am such a sucker for a guilt trip-even if i know i have done nothing wrong or have done all i can to help I can still be made to feel guilty so easily-its pretty shitty when people make you feel guilty when you are trying so hard (and its usually the people who wouldnt return the favour if you were in need)xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
my mom wants to hep everyone especially if they're her family. i think its ok if u dont sometimes cus people just need that push, that drive. you cant be there to save them each time
Meg, I am so so sorry for the loss of your friend. Take care of yourself too, not just your friends and family. I wish I had better words of advice to help you alleviate your guilt, but I don't. I have a friend who died in college (suicide or overdose, I don't know) but I still have guilt over that. I was never very very close to him, but I did consider myself his friend. I often wonder if I had been a better friend, would he still be alive today? What if I could have rescued him from whatever demons he faced? But I can't save him. All I can do is try to be the same sort of wonderful person that he was when he was alive.
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Sadness...I hope all isn't what it seems about how he died. Meg my condolences..you lost a friend, we all have lost a great contributor to the music world!R.I.P Adam Goldstein aka DJ A.M.
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you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm very sorry that someone who really had so much to live for is gone, as well. We can never know what it's like to feel survivor's guilt, I can only imagine it's 100 times worse than the guilt we all feel every day over a thousand little things that we did or didn't do. It must be so beyond overwhelming to wonder why you made it through a horrible accident and someone else didn't. And on top of that, anyone who is a recovering addict has to be so careful about any meds, so while most of us would have medication to help us through pain both physical and emotional, a recovering addict has to try to do it without that. And it doesn't matter whether it was an accident or it was the only way he felt he could end his pain. I lost a friend to suicide many years ago, it later transpired that the night we were to meet for a drink, and I cancelled for a date with an on-again, off-again boyfriend who really didn't treat me very well, and was certainly not worth cancelling on a friend for, was the night that he died. Now I know he didn't do this because I cancelled our plans, but I often wonder, after learning that he had researched and planned his death, (he had quit his job without notice, turned in his leased SUV to the dealer, things like that), if he wanted us to meet so he could say goodbye. Not that he would have told me what he was planning, but then again, what if he had? Or if I suspected, I mean, I have a degree in Social Work, it's not like I am clueless in this area. In any case, he is gone, and I guess what I learned from that is that we can't take anything for granted, and there are terrible things that happen that are completely beyond our control, and we have to accept that. It isn't easy and 15 years later, the guilt is still there, but my friend made a choice that was the only option he could see, and if someone else made that choice, people need to stop speculating about why he did, if he did, because at the end of the day, it was his decision to make, and I am sure that if there was something you could have done to help your friend, you would have. So I would tell you not to feel guilty, but I know you will anyway, and I can only hope that you at least find solace in the fact that if indeed he was suffering so greatly, his suffering has come to an end. And sometimes that is the only thing we have to cling to.
Oh I'm so sorry to read about this Meg. Being a recent convert to the site, I hadn't heard of this until now. I'm so glad you're recognising your own baseless guilt for something you could not have changed. Things happen for a reason. It's true that we may never find out the exact reason, but rest assured there is one. ♥You're in my thoughts. ♥♥♥
I'm Soo Sorry for you Meg !!!love xxx
I've been so out of the loop and I just recently learned of his passing. I may have never known him personally but I do believe, as you do Meg, that he was a good person who carried a huge burden in his heart. He's in a better place now and let's just be glad that he's finally rested.
I am very sorry for your loss. :( Lots of hugs and strentgh to all family and friends.
Meg it's awful and I'm so sorry. You haven't had an easy year this year huh? I think that people believe that because they read about someone and see pictures from their life that they understand them. Yet I doubt most people truly understand those that they see everyday, nevermind people they've never met. Guilt is awful but do you think Martin and Adam really would want you to feel guilty? It's not easy but just give it time...
It is hard when those that we love are leaving us too soon. let's just hope they are in a better place, and maybe we will meet them there one day.
I'm sorry about your friend, losing someone is never easy. I'm sure you have no reason at all to feel guilty about this. You're a wonderful person and in situations like this, there's probably not much that you could have done. I know that doesn't really make it much easier to deal with.
Meg, sorry you lost a friend. Sending hugs to you. I don't know how to deal with guilt (still haven't figured that one out yet).
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Am really sorry and sad to hear of your friend. :(Guilt is such a debilitating thing. I have no answers on how to deal with it.
I'm sorry you've lost your friend!Personally, I feel guilty about things all the time. But, you have to just let them go. That's the easiest thing for me. You can't sit and stew on things you can not change. That's when depression sits in. No guilt is worth risking your life for! Now, I understand many people do let themselves get saturated in guilt and I wish there was a way to help them all get through it...alive. Smiling and doing things I love helps keep me from going into a downhill spiral. My husband has been very very sick in the past. Had I not acted quickly in the past and gotten him to the hospital, I don't want to imagine what may have happened. But I used to think about that if I had gotten him there soon he may have not gotten so sick but I had to stop blaming myself for getting him there later than I probably should have. (He is diabetic Type I insulin dependant and has Crohn's disease.) I just focus on the positive. I got him there in time for him to still be with me today and that is ALL that matters!Positivity seriously can change one's outlook. I wish that I could motivate people to ditch the glum and focus on living a happy, healthy life. I understand that not everyone can be helped but I'd like to help impact those I can.
*~*AMY RENEE*~*When life hands me lemons, I'm opting for lemon pound cake!
i am so sorry for the loss of your friend. guilt is terrible and really hard to deal with.
O god that's so horrible and I think its only sick people with too much time on there hands that would leave messages like that about someone who recently died-clearly they never had a guilty day in there lives-which is a lot worse having no sense of empathy at all.
PotionPrincess♥
im really sad about adam too, i know his sister and i was really saddened for the whole family:(
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I'm truly sorry for your loss :( Guilt is not good to dwell on.
Some people are viscous and it's an easy trait to possess when they're hiding behind a computer screen--judgmental in situations that if it were their friends--their family members, they'd be more sympathetic too.What happened to Adam was tragic and unfortunate and plain sad.Posting that prayer was a great idea.
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I try not to let people make me feel guilty just for living life how I want to - my sister often tries to make me feel bad because I like to travel and am out of town a lot and she feels like I'm missing out on our family - but she is married with kids and I am single, so it is a lot easier for me to go off when I want to. I guess it is hard for her to understand that we live our lives differently. Don't feel guilty Meg - you can't help what other people do or say, and you can't take on everything.