FANTASY PARENTS!
Tantejoan here! Recently Meg, in her incredible generosity, gave many of us the opportunity to share our still-haunting recollections of painful or downright dysfunctional childhoods. My own is so far behind me, me being ancient and all, that it was surprising to discover, looking into the rear-view mirror, that the view can still be blurred by tears. But children, being incredibly resilient creatures, often find unusual and creative ways to make the unbearable bearable. I had a wardrobe of coping mechanisms, including the support of much-older siblings and some loving, if understandably distracted, aunts and uncles, but my chief avenues of escape from pain were always reliable and, in many ways, shaped me into the person I am today. I found refuge in the Philadelphia Public Library, my neighborhood’s wonderful movie theaters and in my best babysitter, “Million Dollar Movie.”
This morning, while showering and crying over the still-fresh deaths of FF and MJ (I do my best crying in the shower) I started thinking of Michael’s abusive childhood, and then I thought of how he, as had so many performers, turned to his talent as a way out. When I posted a response to Angie’s wonderful tribute thread I mentioned Fred Astaire, and then this morning, dripping wet and unable to distinguish between the shower stream and my tears, I suddenly remembered that I had had a wonderful set of parents in my childhood. I had my Fantasy Parents, Fred and Esther.
When my parents disappointed me, neglected me, burdened me with unrealistic expectations or conflicting requirements, I could retire to my room and remember that I had parents who loved me, cherished me and always taught me Wonderful Things. My Fantasy Father, Fred Astaire, being the most elegant, tasteful, charming and talented of men, taught me my first lessons in making hard work look effortless. He always was well dressed, so much so that he, rather than any woman of the screen, gave me my first lessons in Style. He wore a tie for a belt, for goodness sake, and instantly made regular belts seem, well, vulgar. And with Ginger (my Fantasy Aunt, but interesting not my Fantasy Mother -- more of that later) or a series of other wonderful ladies, Father Fred showed me that dance was the ultimate expression of romance. Plus he could dance with things, an amazing talent I could be proud of. He danced with coat racks, and steam pipes, and shoes! And he was funny, and sang so beautifully that Irving Berlin said, given a choice of any singer on earth to introduce one of his songs, he would choose My Dad. I loved Fred Astaire to death, and I love him now.
So if Ginger wasn’t my Mom, Who was? Esther Williams, that’s who! For those who have never seen an Esther Williams movie it is hard to describe her incredible appeal, or how probably thousands of little girls the world over shared my fantasy. She wasn’t much of an actress. In fact, MGM Studio Head Louis B. Mayer, whom she always pestered for dramatic roles, said it best: “Wet, she’s a star.” Well, wet? She was my beautiful, shimmering goddess-mommy. In those dim days of the 50s, you could sit in a movie theater and watch showing after showing as long as your butt and your money for Raisinettes allowed. I would sit all day long and watch Esther dive and do water ballet and dive and glisten. She was amazing, and while she was beloved by millions, in my secret heart I knew she was Mine. In my fantasies she would teach me to swim, to dive, to do that amazing and graceful backstroke. At the beach every summer, or in the pool, I would practice Fantasy Mommy’s spectacular signature move, supporting one straight leg with the bent opposite leg while revolving slowly under water. I always sank like a stone, but I always tried. (I still try, to this day.) I would beg that Other Mommy to buy me beautiful, ornate bathing caps like Esther’s, not stupid plain white ones. I turned up my nose at two-piece suits because My Mom always wore draped one-piece creations that showcased her impressively athletic but curvaceous silhouette.
Mommy Esther was married to Fernando Lamas, possibly the most gorgeous Latin lover of the 50s. For those who remember Billy Crystal’s great character Fernando (“You. Look. Mahvelous.”), that was his tribute to Esther’s guy. Fernando’s son with his first wife, the stunningly beautiful Arlene Dahl, is Lorenzo Lamas. Although Lorenzo has become a bit of a joke as an actor these days, back when “Falcon Crest” was a big, big hit on TV, he once gave an interview to TV Guide that broke my heart in two. In it, he explained that his father had custody of him as a child, so he spent all his time in Malibu with Fernando and Esther. He recalled tenderly that Esther taught him to swim, placing his little chubby baby arms around her strong, brown neck and taking him on her back into the surf. Esther taught him to dive. Esther taught him -- oh, I’m sorry. I cannot go on. I have to go back to the shower to cry.
Who were your Fantasy Parents?
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Reviews
Joan-you are so awesome! This was a great piece that really resonated with me! I wish that I would have had the audacity to create fabulous fantasy parents. I think that I always just envisioned myself on my own. I always thought that would the only way for me to find peace and happiness. I never dared to dream that better parents or a better life were even possible! But I did lose myself in all sorts of books. They were my saving grace!
I "hide" in movies, too, specially technicolor- and I'm pretty young.
Beautifully done Joan. I used to curl up with my Granny on Saturdays and watch old movies on "Afternoon at the Bijou". The one's where they danced were always my fave.I absolutely ADORED Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reid. Though I would never replace my own mommie I did grow up without a father and Jimmy was always my ideal dad. I just loved his funny voice, quirky charm, his grit and his tenderness...I bawled like a baby when he died. And I always thought Donna Reid had that grace and charm about her that really set her apart in a crowd. I'd love to be like her...she was just elegant.I'll be watching Funny Face when I get home. A little Fred AND Audrey Hepburn (who I would probably have mentioned as Fantasty Mommy but everyone claims to be SUCH an Audrey fan these days. I've been one ALL my life). So many great old movies to lose yourself in.
Love, hugs and shoes...Angie
Beautiful and touching Darlin' Joan: you write from your heart and I think that all of us can "relate"in some way even if our parents were easier to live with than yours.I would say I "retreated" to books more than movies but now as an adult myself (most of the time,LOL!) now,I see more clearly how my parents were simply dealing with their issues rather than neglecting my needs...it's a fine line indeed.I had to get to that point where hanging on to those "not so nice realities" would only continue to tarnish the wonderful and special memories buried along with them in the pile...those are what I keep close now.:)I too LOVED Esther Williams...has there been anyone like her since? She was a siren and sooo beautiful! And Lorenzo...remember that show where he rode a motorcycle? He was HOT then! :) I love your stroll through theses lovely memories and hope that in those tears,you find a few diamonds that reflect the glorious delightful woman you are right back at you girl! :)
That WAS beautiful Tantejoan. I used to cling to the mom's of girlfriends. I would revel in their attention and concern for me. If was enough to give me hope. It would fill the tank just enough, know what I mean? Like you said, all that happened in our childhood helped to shape who we are today. I attribute the kind of mom I am to many experiences I had growing up. The good and the bad. I remember what I needed and lacked. I remember what I loved and wanted to carry on with my future children. I am grateful for all of those experiences.I often wonder what my little megettes will have to say about me? I wonder what disappointments will stick with them the most and which happy times will make the greatest impact. Mjsred, I like the way you think. :)
It wasn't until I became a parent that I realized how hard kids can be on judging mom and dad. Like I've said...I love my mom and think she's just about perfect but even I had little disappointments here and there. They might have bothered me a bit when I was younger but now as a mom myself I can easily let them go and realize my mom's just human and makes mistakes like everyone else. I've made mistakes as a parent and I'm sure there have been times when my kids have secretly cussed me out in their heads but I hope its never been anything to really scar them. Like me...when they have their own they'll be a little more forgiving of mom and dad and realize we did the best we could with what we have.Like they say...hardest job in the world is being a parent. Equally hard...surviving parents who never should have been parents in the first place. Joan and others...we grieve for your childhood but are glad you are here! That's always the silver lining!
Love, hugs and shoes...Angie
your writing is wonderful! i have great parents, and maybe i cannot relate to ever wanting a fantasy mom or dad, but i appreciate your style of writing very much.
Tantejoan, that was a really moving and well written post. Thank you for sharing your very personal childhood experience... It really resonated with me. *hugs*
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I think that the most top notch TV parents would be Cliff and Claire Huxtable! They had just the right amount of love and discipline.
That was really beautiful Tantejoan! Even if I can't really relate, I think I gave my parents a harder time that they gave me. I have very sweet parents that would do anything for me. They sometimes didn't always make the right decisions and were a bit old fashion (well I thought at the time) but they did the best they could with whatever knowledge they had. I think has a kid I didn't have imaginary parents, I was the imaginary parent, maybe that's why I was so stuburn growing up. LOL.... I did althought have the BEST aunt and uncle that were the best example I could of ever had in my life. They were very loving towards each other and to my cousins. Lots of respect, laughter and lots of happiness. My parents didn't show a lot of affection even if they love each other they didn't really show it. But I did see it at my Aunt and Uncle house and wanted my life to be just like them. When I became pregnant with my son. I wrote my Aunt and Uncle a letter to thank them for the all the great example and for letting me be part of their family, they are like my second set of parents and we did live next door to them. I did spent most of my time there which I was very fortunate and will forever be grateful. For that help me become who I am today. I had to let them know how I felt and I would be happy if I could become at least half as good as a parents as they were. They read the letter and cried together. :) Now my son is almost three and Yes it is the hardest job ever, everyday you try to set good example and give him as much love as possible and I still make mistakes sometimes. At least I try to recognize some of them I hope and I can try to fix them. I guess all we can do is our best and try to learn from our passes good or bad.
My fantasy parents were the Bradys. LOL And I agree, after I became a parent I learned how hard it is. My parents did their best, and today, my mom is not just my mom, but a good friend. I hope daily, and sometimes more than once a day, that my daughter, who is entering adolescence will love me and think I did a good job. And that we can be friends.
Everyone has written so many beautiful things. As a child I did not have a fantasy parents. However, I do think there were many friends along that way that helped me believe in myself. Now, as an adult I try to pay it forward every chance I get. It is my hope that some of my words or actions will help someone else.
My heart goes out to Tantejoan, Meg, and all the others who had a less than perfect childhood. I wouldn't trade my parents for the world, but if I had to I would probably go for Cary Grant and Doris Day. They are my favorite actors of yesteryear. As a matter of fact, I was a little too obsessed them, I spent countless hours watching thier movies instead of doing more important things like homework or cleaning my room.
I often felt very alone as a child. My mother was warm and loving one moment, fiery and fiercely angry the next, and then so cold and distant she made me feel dirty. I never knew what to expect and I often felt I would have been better off with no Mommy. We now get along well and get along so much better living apart. My Mom just wasn't cut out to be the 24-7 Mommy type and she's mentally ill, so holding a grudge makes me feel guilty.I did the opposite with movies and books. I wrote myself in as the stoic, cool, powerful character who only sought the other characters for comfort when I wanted to. I made myself my own little worlds and I still do it from time to time to this day. It helps keep me calm and reminds me that if I was forced to rely on myself, I could. This is a fairly common coping mechanism and I'm glad to hear others discuss it so freely.
This is really thought-provoking. I've never imagined having fantasy parents but come to think of it, it would be great to have had the Reverend Camden and his wife from the show 7th Heaven as my parents. They've always been supportive of their children and really teach them life's lessons through everyday situations. I do love my parents but when I was young sometimes I felt very neglected because they were too busy setting up our business and making money for all of us. As a family we were never really open with our feelings. And certain events that happened in the last 3 years made us realize that. Until now there is a degree of uneasiness among us and I hope that in time it will pass.
I forgot about the 7th Heaven parents. They would be pretty sweet fantasy parents as well. As with the Huxtables I tend to like the idea of tough love. Parents who set boundaries but are also deeply loving and there for their kids. This must obviously be because that is what I was missing as a child. No stability!
You are all super to respond so positively to my little tale of fantasy parents. Satil's story really resonates for me, because the flip side of the Bad Mommy stories that have so entranced legions of friends and shrinks is, of course, that the horrendous things she did were most probably the result of undiagnosed postpartum depression and, probably, undiagnosed lots of stuff. After we had it all out when I was about 28 and she confessed there was nothing personal -- she just really, really hadn't wanted that third girl -- we did reach a real working relationship and we close right up to her death. But that was because I was no longer her (unwanted) responsibility, I was a woman. As a child, though, my fantasies and my books saved me, and I will always be grateful for that.
All I can say is that the world is much more peaceful than we all imagine. The song "sinscreen" taught me SO MUCH about life and how i choose to live it! give it a listen, you are NOT as fat as you imagined.
j.baby
To be honest, I've never really had fantasy parents. In my younger days (haha), I used to wish my parents were different. I have crazy eclectic parents who randomly go on Safaris and travel to Russia and just do "out of the ordinary" things. As I've gotten older, I've realized how cool and unique my parents actually are. They're done a million and six amazing things for me, put my through college, supported me when I needed it. Really, I couldn't ask for anything better/more than that.
I really enjoyed your post, the writing was wonderful. Although I didn't have to escape from my parents, they are terrific, I did use books to escape from depression. I especially loved losing myself in Gone With the Wind, the book and the movie. When I first read that book I was about 9 or 10 and I remember being so sad when I was finished reading it, I could have lived in that book forever!
Indi
I was very fortunate to have wonderful parents. So what if we didn't have designer clothes, new cars, jewelry; I had parents who loved us and cared for us. Coming from a big family we had great get togethers with my 150 first cousins. We made our own fun with kick the can, kitten ball, dodge ball, and hide and seek. I never wished I had different parents as I truly loved the ones I had. All us kids are still the best of friends, we have no in family fighting and we can talk about anything to each other. I only hope I am half as good a parent as my parents were.
Beste Hilsin
I agree, this post was so beautifully written. I had to read it a few times! I had fantasy parents for sure! I had a girlfriend in childhood - maybe when I was in about 8th grade it started... who invited me over to her house for the first time. I was in complete awe when I met her family! Her mom and dad were SO full of love which they openly shared with each of their 5 children. They all cooked together and laughed together and camped together and had such a warm bond. They totally all played together too! Sometimes the sons would put the mom up on their shoulders and carry her around and they'd laugh and laugh! I'd never seen anything like it! After that first meeting, I would take the bus every weekend that I could to their house and spend as much of the weekend as I could with all of them. The mom especially - oh I wanted her to be MY mom so bad! She just had the biggest, warmest, kindest heart and she shared some of her love with me! They even took me on a week vacation trip with their family to stay up on an island! It was my first experience of having a real vacation with a family (my family never ever took a vacation in all my years growing up)! Again, I had the best time ever and loved every single minute! My biggest memory of all of the people in this family was on my 21st birthday. My dad asked me what I wanted to do for this monumental birthday and I, without any hesitation, told him I wanted to spend my birthday with this family! So that day I took the bus to their house and they had made me the most wonderful birthday cake and each person in that family gave me a very personal gift that they had put so much thought into and it was the happiest 21st birthday I could have ever had! I was in heaven that day - surrounded by a healthy family who shared their love and warmth with me. I felt so loved that day. I rarely see this mom now but she always remembers my birthdays still and sends me heartfelt cards and writes about some memory she shared with me. She even saved letters I wrote to her long long years ago. She and her husband live in a co-op community these days and I went to see them there last year and it was just like coming home again. The minute the mom opened the door to their home the love came flowing out towards me and I got a lump in my throat remembering all that they shared with me. My dad totally understood why I loved to go there - that family was the polar opposite of my life with my own mother. When I was with this other family - for those hours I was there, I could completely forget what my life was like at my home and get to be somewhere where all the family members were happy, healthy and full of love and warmth. This woman was the mom I so wished I could have had as my own mom. I envied her kids so much. I was so fortunate that I got to have her in my life as much as I did!
Jeanasina!
What a beautiful post! I dated a guy for 4 years in college and his parents were my fantasy parents. They treated me like I was their daughter and even decorated a bedroom for me in their house. They were such warm and caring people. I would spend many weekends and holidays at their house & lake house and go away on family vacations with them. They always ate their meals together as a family and would share many stories and laughs together. When it was time for me to break off the relationship, I truly felt like I was breaking up with him and his parents. I still miss them and wish them all the best. :)
Gem, thanks for sharing this. I know how you feel. I had a fairly long relationship with a divorced father of a marginally brain-damaged son. Tom was really high-functioning for an eight year old, but unfortunately he was fourteen. So sweet. I used to take him to movies, I bought him a Navy pea cost at an Army & Navy surplus store, we used to go riding the Staten Island ferry together. Then his dad an I broke up, and I missed Tom so much more than I missed my guy. Years later he came back to the U.S. after spending several years abroad, and he would call me up to talk. He complained that the first thing I would say on hearing his voice was, "How's Tom?" He tried to reconnect, but it just wasn't meant to be, but I still speak with him and I still ask after his boy. Neil Sedaka is right: breaking up is hard to do, especially when it's with family.
What a beautiful post. I only wish I had the words to express all that my own parents mean to me.
I never had specific fantasy parents. I just wished I had a different mother, I would have kept the same father! It's funny, though, today she acts like we have a normal mother-daughter relationship, and if I mention how awful my childhood was, she gets very defensive and starts citing all the wonderful things she did for me. When that doesn't work, she tells me it was all my fault, because I was so difficult.
Thank you for sharing your childhood experience with us. Very touching (I wish I could have created imaginary parents).
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I never had fantasy parents, my parents were absolutely great (well maybe they could have been a little less strict, but then I wouldn't be the wonderful person I am today!) Thank you so much for the well written post!
my dream father : Atticus Finch from "To Kill a Mockingbird", I'd love a kind father à la Gregory Peckmy dream mother : Audrey Hepburn for her elegance and wit, Kate Winslet for her warmth, Sophia Loren for that Mediterranean spicemy grandfather : James Earl Jones, he would read stories at night with his deep voice, I'd love Mufasa as grandadmy grandmother : Danielle Darrieux, one of my all-time favourite actresses. She's 92 now but boy how she is energetic!
Great piece Joan. I don't think I created fantasy parents, I just escaped into books when I needed a break. I am glad for you that you could find your own escapism.
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What a sweet post =) thank you so much for sharing