FAMILY? OH LORD! HELP US ALL!
Meg here! I don't know about you ladies but "family" just needs to stop. Seriously, just because we have some sort of DNA connection does not give a right to infringe on my life to live.
Everyone can cry! Everyone can be outraged. We just have to use that internal hatred of stupidness as a motivation to move further, we need it to be ourselves. I AM A GOOD PERSON, its sound ridiculous. Duh, I am, but I need to say it to myself at least once a day in a mirror.
I was just talking to my girlfriend last night and she was saying the same thing. You would never treat guests the way you do family. Why is it O.K. to pass judgment vocally on someone's lifestyle and then judge because you may have a thread to their last name?
I have to go back to Boston the weekend of the 26th of this month. When I think of the (joy) of seeing my sister and her children I am also facing the harsh opinions of my parents.
Should I care? Of course not. I should just be happy to be.
Do I care? Unfortunately yes. Do my parents make me cry?-YES Can they shake me to the core where people involved in Megsmakeup call my sister to make sure I have VERY limited interaction with them-YES
Is it very sad? I think so, I remember asking my nursery school teacher what the word "Retarded" meant.
She asked me "Why?"
I was five years old and replied "Because that's what my dad calls me"
I am a strong, funny and assertive woman. I will also NEVER have children because I truly believe that dysfunction breeds dysfunction.
I grew up in dysfunction junction and don't want to spread the gene!
I will hug your babies and kiss their foreheads. That's as far as it goes!
The "family dynamic" is as explosive as dynamite. Someone always feels bad. I'm being very honest. I have my Xanax prescription filled to the brim before I have the strength to see these people for even 3 hours.
It's tough out there, I am on the verge of a breakdown even having to see my parents. I know I am not alone!
Please share your coping mechanisms!
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YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON! and when ppl start to put me down i tell myself that and just smile. everything works out the way it is supposed to. you live you learn, what is more beautiful than that?
j.baby
No, Meg you are most definitely not alone. I deeply love my family but I am not "in love" with them. I have felt very shameful of this fact on and off for my whole life. They have been very cruel at times whether it was intentional or not. The history is too long and detailed to go into it all here. But essentially my sister has some serious mental illness(ie. borderline disorder) and drug addiction issues. So my parents are extremely co-dependent with her. So much so that whenever she so desires my husband and I are persona non grata. Once my husband was completely banned for 6 months simply for speaking the truth. There is no easy answers for this. Of course we have thought about a complete severing of ties. But at this point I would feel too guilty to do this and don't think that it is the right decision for me. So we try. We are forced to spend less time together. My sister has brought many animals into the house. This includes approximately 10 cats-which I am very allergic to and have asthma. Every time I went to their house I would vomit. My doctor said that I could no longer visit unless they got rid of the cats. My parents chose my sister and said no. So we try to do things publicly, like dinner out. This tends to have less drama and doesn't make me sick. We try not to engage them in the drama when it arises. We have been typically walking away or hanging up the phone when they are being particularly damaging and hurtful. But when we can not escape the drama we stick with stating the facts in calm and rational ways. This drives them nuts. We are just trying to handle everything in the sanest way possible. I am just so sorry. I really know the pain of being hurt by your family. There tend to be a lot more strings attached with family relations. This certainly can make it difficult to distance yourself. Best of luck! Enjoy your sister and her kids. Nieces and nephews are the best. Don't let your parents ruin that joy for you!
that is sad.... we all feel pressures from society to conform in a certain way. at a 25 i am not married, and my mom is freaking out.... i wish we can all just ignore the pressures even if they come from closest to us people. good article
thats sad...more little meg's running around is exactly what the world needs. And I am NOT being sarcastic! You ARE A GOOD PERSON!!
Meg, some day soon we can "sit on the ground and tell sad stories," not of the death of kings, but of the death of family love. We are both survivors, and so the result, for you especially, is that you made your own. To call this a web site or a blog is to miss the point. You have made a family for hundreds, even thousands, of women. That's an achievement you can hold close while you fly to Boston. I do not say home, because when you leave there, you will be going home, where you are loved and valued. And because wonderful Gigi, who would normally have been the first to answer you, is temporarily otherwise occupied, I will close as she would. God Bless.
I am blessed in that the toxic relatives in my family are distant enough I don't have to see them.My husband has closer toxicity and grew up with major disfunction and we are lucky in that we don't have to see them.I have no words of wisdom, but, bless you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, Meg.
I've been dealing with harsh, insensitive and selfish parents for my entire life. I can offer these coping techniques:1 - don't go see them unless you really want to. forgot all those people who say "but they're your parents, you should see them anyway." If your parents physically hit you when you visited everyone would support you not visiting. Emotional abuse is actually WORSE than physical abuse in terms of emotional damage. 2 - if you choose to go, be sure to tell your close friends and family members that you will be needing some extra positive reinforcement from them for a while before and after your visit as you expect it to cause you some emotional issues. In life we have to ask for what we need, BUT we also have to determine who in our lives can meet our needs and not expect emotional support from people who can't or won't give it. For me, this year was the end of my relationship with my parents. My father was very emotionally abusive and I ended my relationship with him years ago. Despite my mother pressuring me about it I kept my distance. This year my mother went to far and was so ugly that I had to end that relationship as well. However, I have close friends and a sister who understand completely and support me. I don't discuss this with friends and acquaintances who would not be supportive.
Meg, I cried when I read this. Because it's my story, too. As long as you let them hurt you, they will hurt you. You have to find a way (whether it's geographical distance, or an emotional distance) to not. let. them. in.THEY are the problem. You are not. Allow yourself to move on.
the story about retarded is funny in joke format but not as a real life story :(i grew up with a single mother and a crazy but very loving fam and honestly - i want a huge fam. i can totally understand where the desire not to expand the lineage may come from - and yes- it is crazy that i won't yell or get yelled at by anyone but when my fam does it - it's the norm
-Miss Yaya
http://myownjudge.blogspot.com/
It's totally okay not to want to have kids. :) I get crap about that all the time though, "well, you'll want to have kids someday." "um probably not actually".My heart totally goes out to you, Meg. Some of my family is really difficult to be around. No, they're not the worst people ever, but it is really difficult to stay sane around them. :( I will be thinking of you next weekend, and hope that things go well. *hugs!*
♥ Lipgloss and Spandex: a blog for gals who look good and run fast
The degree of the dysfunction in my family is past the boiling point! It would take paragraphs for me to explain. There is no way I am having children. You are so right about dysfunction breeding dysfunction. My family is a perfect example.
I understand where you are coming from and how stressful and horrifying it can be to even think about spending time with those who are supposed to be your loved ones. My father has been emotionally abusive my entire life, though he doesn't get away with it as much these days. My mother decided to take the same path for a number of years, it took her moving across the country for me to finally find some peace. My father's abuse led to my parents' divorce and my mother's abuse tore the family apart. Then in December, my aunt decided to flip out and jump to some really nasty conclusions about me about something totally stupid, none of which was correct. I am there for my family if they need me, but I maintain a safe distance. I only visit when invited and always make a timely exit. I do stand up for myself, but I will also just walk away. Silence no longer bothers me, being given the silent treatment can sometimes be a blessing. Only do what you know you can handle, leave when you must, and never give them the satisfaction of seeing you cry.
My trick is to always remind myself that whatever harsh "they" are spewing is all on them. It really is about their stuff, their issues, and their unresolved problems. I wish "they" wouldn't spew on me, I mean, don't we all have issues? Aren't we all sort of in this together? Why do they have to be so mean about it? I know I will never understand it but I also know I will always try to let go of the hurt and the guilt and try to grab happiness where ever it can be found. Meg, you have created a place for us to embrace each other when we are hurting AND when we are happy. Please arm yourself with the strength and the knowledge that for so many of us you created something really special where there once was nothing. If that isn't giving birth to greatness, then I don't know what is. Everyone has given such wonderful advice, it is so encouraging and such a comfort. Meg, we are you family too, no Xanax necessary.
Amen to Stylemama! You are so right it's there issues has nothing to do with you. I couldn't had said it any better. That's what I keep telling myself. It's not about me it's just there opinion and what they think. I know it's hard sometimes but you know yourself best. I was pretty fortunate with my parents they are pretty good but my husband on the other hand has got to have one of the most dysfunctional family I know. Some stuff I can't even write on here. At my wedding on of my best friend was trying to remember all the step moms and step dad's names etc... I told her just say nice to meet you. Don't even try! ;) Everytime is Dad comes to visit or we visit him it's ALWAYS a disaster always... It's at the point that I always dread the visit with him, because I know my husband always gets hurt. I've always said I would write a book some day and it would be a "best seller", SO MUCH DRAMA, I just need to change all the names and never ever have my husband read it. Lot of stuff he doesn't even know. This is what happens when I get the real Mom or the Step Moms drunk, I get more dirt that I really don't want a know. ;-) Good Luck Meg! But remember You have accomplished so much in your life from what I've read and seen from this site and it only matters what you think. You are beautiful inside and out! Your generosity and love to all of us, makes you such an amazing person, it can only come back to you. 'Law of Attraction" Other people (parents,etc...) thoughts are just someones opinions(no right or wrong), we are the only ones who knows the real us and what we need and we are the only one you can make ourselfs HAPPY!
Amen to all the above! I am sorry you have to not only have those parents, but also that you have to see them. Is there no way to avoid it? You are a wonderful person, and if your parents can't see that - then they have a problem. And I do not like them, not one little bit!Take care of yourself - and stay strong. And we're always here for you.
Carole
I will be thinking good thoughts for you next weekend, because you are a GOOD PERSON!If things don't go well you should just leave and spare yourself any further emotional injury.Good luck!
After 5 years of turning the other cheek from deplorable treatment and horrible comments from DH's mother, I finally have the ball in my court. I am a person who is able to self-critique and accept criticism and responsibility for things I have done wrong. In this case, I have done NOTHING, except care for and make her son happy - something she has not been able to do since he was 11 years old (now 36). She resents me for it. I am quite outspoken, but somehow managed to keep a lid on my mouth for many years merely because of my love for my husband and not wanting to draw a (thicker) line between mother and son.
About 3 years ago I looked DH's mother (note, I call her "his mother" as she is not my "mother in law") square in the face and asked (nearly begged) her for an apology for specific things and explained why I was hurt and why I thought I was owed an apology. She replied "well, don't hold your breath. That's not the way I was raised. We move on in this family and do not offer apologies." Now, what kind of a person KNOWS he/she has hurt you, but offers no apology, even when flatly asked for it? AN EVIL ONE! :-) When DH deployed to Iraq 2 years ago (for 15 months), she sincerely could not understand WHY I would not return her phone calls or emails when she wanted updated info on her son. She wrote to DH about it at least once a week while he was deployed and he merely ignored it. Her most disturbing written comment was "it's ok. She'll get hers." DH only wrote her one time and called her one time during this 15 months. She STILL didn't "get it." Finally, about 3 month's ago, "the Evil One" went too far and DH FINALLY stood up for me. She did not approve of me going on a 7 day cruise with 2 girlfriends and leaving my child and husband behind. (she was jealous IMHO.) She told DH "son, I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to start keeping track of the money she is spending. You're going to wish you had one day." (This being risen because she REFUSES to believe that we can live an average lifestyle and afford a "treat" every now and then without me working. After all, SHE at times couldn't feed her family because she REFUSED to work when money was tight.) Her implication was that DH could use such "evidence" "when" we divorced. We will be vacationing next month 4 states from where we live to visit other relatives around where The Evil One lives. She is not going to know we are in town. The rest of the family is sworn to secrecy and knows that if she "by chance" shows up where we are, myself and our 3 year old son will immediately exit out the back door with a pleasant smile and no drama - DH can stay, that's his choice and I will not "disturb" their relationship. However, I WILL protect myself and our son from her abuse and antics.If The Evil One died tomorrow, I would have no regrets and would be at peace with myself. I KNOW that I tried to the best of my ability and endured far more than I should have before giving up. I would attend her funeral, but only for a shoulder for DH. Quite frankly, our extended family would be more intact, less disfunctional, and happy without her presence on earth.
Meg, ever heard of "battered wives syndrome"? STOP subjecting yourself to abuse as a "battered daughter." If a conversation goes in a direction you are not comfortable with, you CAN leave pleasantly and with grace. You are NOT going to be able to MAKE family see or understand WHY you are hurt. Don't waste your breath. YOU must accept THAT.
Bottom line: would you be at peace with yourself and your God if your mother passed away tomorrow. If not, keep talking and trying until you ARE at peace. If so, exit stage left and don't look back. It WILL hurt for a bit and waterproof mascara will be necessary, but time will heal all things.
Best of luck!
My Grandmother regularly tells me I am wasting my life. I have a Master's degree, yet no children! She told me I was too stupid to go to college. She puts my husband down and tells me my mother (her own daughter) is a failure everytime I see her. Know what I did? I just stopped talking to her. I cut out family that hurts me and do not speak with them again. I am a VERY firm believer that we make our own family. It seems you have made a fantastic one Meg.I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household. My Mother is Bipolar and it was a very rough existence growing up not knowing what to expect. My mother was pressured into marriage and children by her own mother and was unprepared and really did not want kids. My mother divorced my father and pretty much abandoned me when I was 15. She would come home for a day and then disappear for weeks. Did I mention I lived full time with her? I would have to call my Dad from a neighbor's house because all of our utilities were cut off to bring me some pre-cooked food. She eventually grew up and got over it- but not until I moved out on my own. I now have a fairly good relationship with my Mom because we live apart and really understand each other now. It took a lot of time and work, but we managed. I made a thread about my younger brother. I'll leave that at that!You owe it to yourself to avoid people that hurt you. I don't care whose vagina you popped out of- if they hurt you then they do not deserve you. You are an incredible person Meg and I salute you. Protect yourself. Love your sister and avoid your parents. If they think you are a terrible daughter- who gives a fuck. They are terrible parents and obviously do not know what a healthy family is or a good daughter when they see one.
This is sad. My coping mechanism when dealing with these types of situations is to distance myself from the problem / cut the toxic people out of my life. These people will never chance; I had to be the one to change and leave the toxic people right where they were. Because these types of situations aren't healthy.
Hi, brand new but this just breaks my heart and I send my thoughts and prayers to you...myself and many girlfriends experience harsh judgement all from mothers. They say, I'm telling you this for your own good and no one else will tell you this. Of course no one else will! My friends do not feel like they have to manage,judge and control me!My best "words of wisdom" are family are not who are related to you, but the people who love you. You can choose this "family." Stay strong and remember they do not define who you are. Their behavior defines them, all you can do is control how you react. Leave any situation if you feel uncomfortable! this is such a great site...I am so happy to have found it and look forward to getting to know you all.
Is it sad that reading this and all the comments make me feel better? I guess it's nice knowing I'm not the only one who has toxic relatives! Makes me feel a bit more normal in a way to be honest!It sucks that we all have to put up with these people but the important thing to remember is that you should never believe anything nasty or degrading that anyone says about you, because deep down you know that what they're saying isn't true.I tend to ignore all the bullshit that is said about me and concentrate on the things (and people) that I love. :)
Meg, Your heading made me lol! I'm sorry it's just the way that you put it. So blunt, right to the point. I am 40 years old and the road has not been a easy one. Blessed with a absolutely gorgeous single mom. Men would always give her the glare down when I was a little child and also in my teens. I can still hear her flirting with them trying to guess her age. ( It wasn't like woman were never having children when they were young!) She had this beauty and charm about her. She had long hair, a beautiful face, tiny waist, was always the centre of attention and then one day I realized something was just not right. My home life was always in turmoil. Drama... lots of chapters and they never seemed to have happy endings. I always joked with my friends that they didn't have to go to the movies they could come on over to our home! The problem was as my mother aged she didn't get any better. Everyone else was always the problem. She could never look within. She would lie straight to your face and not even know she was doing it. She would manipulate, be straight out rude and even to some extent evil. I could never understand how the next day she would be so loving and empathetic. Anyway in my late 20's she was diagnosed with Border Line Personality Disorder. My gosh when I found out there was a name and books on the disorder I felt like I was not alone. And it wasn't me. ( I would never squish a ant).Years went by and my mother aged... still beautiful but of course alone. All of 82 pounds. I can't tell you how sad it makes me. The last time I saw her and I went to hug her and all I could feel was her bones and I can't tell you the pain I felt. I wanted so bad to shake her and beg her to please look within. Why was this lady so smart so beautiful but so affected. Sometimes people go through so many hurts as a child and and into their teens that this illness comes on. Unfortuantely the outcome isn't great especially if the person can see no wrong in their behavior. I love her so much but she is utter dysfunction. There is nothing you can do for her that doesn't turn around and slap you in the face. I have had to distance myself. I just cant be around someone that makes me feel so terrible inside.( wrote a posting on depression). Someone I do not trust. Someone that creates pain for everyone around her and thinks everyone else is to blame. The weekend that you go away to your parents, have brief visits. Do whats best for you. Listen to your gut feelings....it's telling you something. Take breaks...and when all else fails...LAUGH. Sometimes when life events are so stressful it's good to look at the situation and laugh about it. It may sound wierd but my brother and I sometimes will imatate our family and next thing you know were laughing so hard were almost peeing our pants! I will be thinking of you and sending out a prayer. MEG you are beautiful inside and out and inspire so many. Don't forget it. Also what ever you do don't stay with them. Stay at a beautiful hotel with bubble bath, candles and your favorite creams. artcandy
♥Robyn♥
Meg,I grew up w/ a dysfunctional family too. I know how frustrating it can be, I want you to know what helped me, reading the book "boundaries" by Anne Catherine (Katherine). The 1st thing that is important is to love yourself, that gives you strength, then set boundaries, then you have to give yourself time limits and do not be alone with certain family members. I have a sister that I will not be alone with, why? bc she's a liar and she makes up lies about me, by having others around, if she lies, I know I have a witness to the incident , that makes me feel protected. DO NOT BE PRESSURED INTO SEEING ANYONE YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH, DID i MENTION TO PUT A CAP ON THE LENGTH & AMOUNT OF TIME U spend with TOXIC PEOPLE AT ANY one time (family or not, toxic people rob you of your joy and sense of well being) . BE true to yourself. Meg, I want to commend you on your choice not to have children. It makes sense.I would be proud to have you as my daughter. If you ever want a surrogate mom, I will be happy to fill in. If you ever want to have a non judgmental mom daughter talk, please call me. I could also be your eccentric aunt.Last but NOT LEAST, Meg, DNA does NOT a family make. Love, respect, spirit, and being willing to go that extra mile for someone, that makes family. Mutual respect makes family. Love makes family.Gossip tears a family apart, it's murder by mouth, it's assainating a person charecter, that is not loving. You have a family here that does care, We do love and support you. Don't forget that, ok Meg? Sending you love.
I was surprised to hear my own words from someone else... I had that thought in my mind when I was growing up, and I still do from time to time. I just try hard to think that it's a distortion of cognition, some on my part... although it feels like there is a grain of truth in what I feel, I try very hard to remind myself what I feel and think stems from my limited past - so that I do not make conclusions that might give me less blessing and freedom.
Aww, Meg! I am tearing up reading this story. Unfortunately, we can't choose our families. However, you can choose to rise above all of the pain that they have caused you. You are an amazing person and have many supportive and loving friends that are here for you. Big HUGS! Love you! xoxo.
I understand totally Darlin' Meg: you have however created a "family" here that DOES love and support you...just read these posts!!! OMG.I am fortunate in that I have a family who sticks together no matter what...not "perfect" but the pieces do seem to fit most of the time.That part of your life is simply where you are "from",it doesn't define you or where you end up in any way and I see only a wonderful future ahead!I have edited most of the "emotional vampires" that suck one dry from my life...go to this event "as if" you're just playing a role in a movie or something...tell them what they want to hear and do what is necessary to simply "slide by" with as little pain or damage to yourself as possible.Realize they will NOT change,but how you react and deal with them can and will!If it gets too hard,simply toss you hair and retire for a nap...leave the scene rather than subject yourself to any more abuse...that's what is basically is.You are in control,not them...remember that. :)You don't make any excuses for your life,right???Smile sweetly and KNOW you are doin' just fine. We're here for you 24/7...
Meg dearest. I don't have children for precisely the reason you mention. I feel like our DNA has dysfunction imprinted on it, and that alone gives me no desire to put another generation at the mercy of it.If your family doesn't think enough about you, that's their problem and their loss. Because your cyberfamily thinks the WORLD of you - the sensational, unstoppable, hilarious, brilliant insightful creator of your very own little cyberverse of women who love each other, and you, just as you are. And there are no exclusions clauses. We love each other, warts and all.....Much Love to the whole Meg's Makeup Mafia sisterhood.
Rie
Oh Meg. Next time you come to the DC area, we will get together and laugh and cry. I haven't spoken to my mother in more than 10 years. She is beyond dysfunctional. She is ill. Instead of taking responsibility for her own actions, she blames others. She feels the world has never treated her in the fashion she believes herself worthy of! Her only 3 grandchildren are my children (And I assure you, I am not the mother she was. I remember the things she did, said and pulled and I work so hard to avoid them.) She is evil and evil is not genetic - she lays in the bed she made. Right now she is not speaking to one of my daughters (that must be a relief) because, GET THIS, my daughter forgot to respond to an email. No Christmas present, no birthday present, well now that'll teach HER! My dad made it right. I spent years trying to live up to some ridiculous set of rules she created and during that time I neglected to form the person I wanted to be. I am much older than you and I have spent many years seeking all sorts of therapy (friends, professional, retail and liquid) to arrive at the conclusion that I don't regret not having her in my life, I regret that she doesn't know what she gave up. We all want that mom that is sympathetic, empathetic, choses her words with care, knows how to help us heal from our hurts, lets our little (and sometimes BIG) errors just bounce off her. As others have advised, you can make your own family from friends, other relatives and here on your website. Some of this advice is better than you will get from a $250, no insurance accepted, an hour therapist. And we do it because we love you!
Awww. It's okay.Luckily, I've been pretty blessed with a great family. I've had issues in the past with my father, but as I've gotten older we've tried to be "nicer" to each other and not fight or anything. You know that you're an amazing person and don't let anyone, family or otherwise, tell you differently. I love my family, but I don't really care what they think. I do what I want to, how I want to. That's really all you can do. Do whatever makes you happy, not everyone else!
I have to say...I can't really imagine what family IS FUNCTIONAL. Does this really even exist? I think not.I have to admit I have a WONDERFUL mother. She's simply amazing and the best woman I know. However, someone else in my family (who I will not name until the good lord takes them) is NOT so wonderful. The level of both physical AND emotional trauma they've inflicted on me my entire life is the stuff you write books about. I'm talking Mommie Dearest meets Ike Turner. My coping mechanism...take EVERY little criticism, barb and nasty remark and turn it around to be positive!I really works and BOY does it PISS THEM off when they can't get to you and your eternal optimism just keeps shining! They can't dim your light Meg...don't let them. You are FAR better than that as is evidenced by the love we have here. Meg...if there is ANYTHING I have learned in this life its that family is subjective and blood is NOT thicker than water. Most of my family that I truly love the most I am not related to. My children that I love and adore more than life itself are not of my blood...but I would jump in front of a train for them. Family is the family you make and the family YOU DESERVE! Be it in friends you love, other peoples children or even in the family pets you bring home...its all love and is better because you CHOOSE it...you aren't simply born into it. All my love sweet Meg and all the other brave women posting above that have survived their own families. Just remember...they aren't you and you aren't them. Live your life the best you can and always remember to smile. Life is just SO worth it.
Love, hugs and shoes...Angie
I can feel for you... My family is dysfunctional/borderline normal. My older brother was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 25. Until then, I've always had to take care of him, as my father can't/won't realize what's wrong with my brother and my mother thought that he would be better if I took him out with me in all kinds of social settings. This may have made me stronger as a person, but I never evolved from my younger self to what I should be now at 28. Coupled with a father who is "a bit misogynistic" and who will never understand how come both his children (and a couple of cousins too!) try to avoid him like the plague. I now live alone, no matter if I can support myself or not, just to get my bearings again. I'm lucky enough to be able to come to terms with both my mother and brother, who support me no matter what. I now have to either come to terms with my father who will never see me as anything else than a "daughter that needs to give me grandchildren!" (and all my studies are just to allow me to find a "better husband" to take care of me) or just refuse to have anything to do with him any more. The best advice I can give you is to take them in small doses and when not with them, to do what makes you happy. Laugh as often as possible, no matter their attitude, and remember that you can change the way you are so to never become what they are.
I'm very sorry that your parents were not more kind, supportive and caring. It truly is amazing what you have been able to achieve, personally and professionally. I guess the silver lining is no one can take credit for how wonderful you have become, but you!
Indi
Hey Meg,I read this and thought . . . HOLY COW we are exactly in the same boat! Our families seem to be almost the same. (I gasp, is it possible?) Personally, I give very little information when visiting and am told why more than I want to know. Good Luck!
Nobody knows how to hurt you like the people that know you best. They know just what button to push to break your heart. You just have to have a little shield that pops up every time they shoot a barbed comment. A little person that BING! pops up and blocks the little arrow trying to hurt you. And let it go. They can't hurt you if you don't give them the power to do so. But believe me I know that saying that and successfully putting it into practice are two different things. I know I'm still working on it.
I drink alot, and I have my husband to lean on. Fortunately, I also have my kids as an excuse to make hasty exits. Actually, my family is okay separate it is when we're all together that it is insane. Thankfully, I missed the last big family gathering that caused my mom and my uncle to have a fight and throw chicken at each other.My mom and her brother haven't spoken since, and my mom hadn't seen my grandmom (her mom) for two years until this past mother's day. My brother and I have been witness to these types of family blowouts and bullshit for years, and we're kind of tired of it. We just hang with our own spouses & family. In other words, stay away!
You're super awesome!
Meg...I feel your pain! My family is dysfunctional and my In-laws never have a nice thing to say about me or anyone. They will turn a family event into a gossip free for all, it makes me sick. Then on Sunday they go into church with their Cheshire grins for the sole purpose of gathering more fodder for the gossip mill. I am sitting here re-reading what I just typed and...its sad. I Am A Good Person I am glad that I can see my family and my In-laws with eyes wide open, its taken years of therapy and I am thankful for the help I've received. I have a wonderful, caring, loving husband, I Am A Good Person with Brian by my side I feel like I can take what ever gets thrown at me.Yes...I tell myself that several times a day Your the BEST Meg!!
I completely feel your pain. Your family will never change, they may not even realize or understand the pain they cause and the damage they have done. Or maybe they do. In any case, all you can do is accept that you didn't get to choose your family, but you do get to choose how you live your life and what you do with it. I have chosen psychological distance from my mother, who made my childhood and teen years a living hell, and is most certainly responsible for my total lack of self-esteem, which over the years, I have learned to mask really, really well. Everything I now have, and everything I have accomplished, I have done on my own, and recognizing that, and taking a moment every now and then to review all that I have accomplished on my own, makes me feel a whole lot better. And I also comfort myself with the knowledge that her negativity and lack of belief in me has made me a much stronger, self-sufficient person, and for that, I am thankful.
You know I used to feel the same way about certain members of my family. Not all of them mind you just certain ones. I avoided them like the plague, missed countless family functions just because I could not deal. Then one day, I don't know if it was age or wisdom or what but all of the sudden I didn't care, I was not afraid of anything they could say or do because it in no way affected my life, if they didn't approve of me it was their problem. There is nothing they could possibly do or say that would change the fact that I could still go home to my life and my friends and be just fine. Once I realized that they could not hurt me, it didn't matter.The funny thing is once I met them with that attitude they have never been anything but nice but if they did say something I don't agree with I have no problem telling them what I think. What are they gonna do? Spank me? I don't think so!I know you have to realize this on your own, but please remember everyone is human and there is no one who is any better than you no matter what they try to tell you.
Darling Meg and all of us who have shared some bad stuff in this thread, I want to share something good, so that Father's Day can also leave a sweet taste in our mouths. This arrived in my mailbox and in many, many mailboxes from the White House, in this administration's effort to keep us aware and informed. It's a great video, and Im the kind of sentimental sap it was tailor-made to reach: http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/Responsible-Fatherhood/
Meg - your not alone...I had a poor relationship with my mother since I was a teenager until her death a few years ago. What saved me was that I realized her behavior was not right and stopped seeking her acceptance while still a teen and reached out to my friend's moms for advice, guidance and acceptance. To this day I easily bond with older women. Reading the name your dad called you brings back the painful memory of my mother calling me a "wretched child". Parents name calling and behaviors are done in private, very manipulative and evidence that their behavior is deliberate. There is nothing that you did wrong! I also learned not to be ashamed. Shame is a powerful emotion and gives your parents power over you. I also chose not to have children because I was soooo fearful that I would be like my mother. But, I do have a loving husband! Next month I will see an uncle that I have been avoiding for a few years at a family wedding and I am going to hold my head high and smile. I would love to tell him how my mother spoke to me, which could explain why I could not maintain a relationship with her, but I realize he doesn't want to know. Take care and good luck!
My family is as dysfunctional as it gets, and it doesn't help that we all still live under the same roof. It also doesn't help that my meddling grandparents still interfere in our affairs. If I can't really stand what's happening, I just go out and shop, retail therapy. I love my family but sometimes it's just too much. We're not really open about our feelings so we do need professional help.
I agree with you when you say that dysfunction breeds dysfunction, but I still want to have kids? Does that make me selfish? Maybe, it does but I know that my family is the way it is because of my culture & religion & at the end of the day I know that we love each other.Hope everything goes well with your family & they don't bug you too much.http://saimese.blogspot.com
Wow Meg. I happen to have found your site by googling "I had to distance myself from my parents". You know what ? I could tell you that your post and your followers' comments truly helped me A WHOLE LOT and brought a good chuckle or two (in the good therapeutic way) but I'm just going to say nothing.Nothing ?Ok I was kidding. I always have something to say.First off, I suffered a lot of HORRIBLE emotional, physical and spiritual harm at the hands of my angry parents. But I always forgave.Michael Jackson's death, as odd as it's gonna sound, gave me so much resolve and to **NEVER, EVER, EVER** give anyone power over me, so much so that they'll destroy my self worth, my dignity and ultimately kill me. Because I used to be very very suicidial.Being a christian, I was told to "honor your parents".Left home at 17 to study abroad.I allowed myself to be abused for another decade (I am now 27) thinking that was my duty to allow my parents to treat me any way they wanted just bc they were 'authority' figures and I had to respect no matter what.I just didn't realize that it's possible to respect without subjecting oneself to abuse.Then I got too sick to even work or take care of myself bc the emotional toll was too great and my physical body started to be affected. I was a mess.And one day, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized life is short. I, like you, was SO messed up that I did not want children nor get married.But that wasn't really the real me wanting that. Just the scared, abused, fearful me.Then I got to really know God, and I went through a lot of therapy. I healed a lot. And all of a sudden it dawned on me that GOD IS LOVE.Therefore for all those religious 'nuts' to say that God wants you to take abuse is completely delirious.Parents are human being. They are flawed.You are a hulan being, you have DIGNITY, you were made in the image of GOD, you should NEVER EVER allow anyone to abuse you, whether that's emotionallly, physically or spiritually. GOD DOES NOT CONDONE ABUSE.Your parents will also one day appear before God and be judged for their actions.You are so right about dysfunction breeding dysfunction, however I'm sorry to say this is already giving your parents too much power over you. You are making this decision based on what they did to you, not on what YOU really want.It took me ages to understand why they're so EVIL. I thought it was because they were abused as kids themselves. Well I know TONS of people who were abused WORSE than my parents had been, and who are the MOST LOVING parents ever. Your past should never determine your future.If you get proper therapy, and if YOU DETERMINE INSIDE that you'll never abuse your kids than it should not happen.I had to come to the sad conclusion that some people are just plain EVIL because they choose to be so.It's hard for me to comprehend because I'm the most sensitive person ever, the most compassionate.Do not use your parents' lives as a yard stick to measure what you want or don't want in life. You'll regret it one day.I look back and see how much time I've wasted.When you'll find the right guy, you'll be so in love that you'll eventually want chidren with that guy. I didn't know this could happen to me but it did.I have healed enough to know that I need to distance myself from my parents, and actually completely severe the relationship. Not because I want to but bc I have been forced to BY THEM.AND IT'S RESPECTING THEIR WISHES. IT'S RESPECT to not give in to abuse. You show them that something is 'wrong' with them, and that can save them maybe one day, maybe put some sense into them.If I did something wrong, I would not want people to sit by and act like nothing was wrong.PLUS, when you allow yourself to be abused (even 'small' things like mean, condescending, jealous, bitter, cutting remarks that hurt like hell for years) YOU HURT YOURSELF.Ultimately, people who allow others to abuse them DO NOT LOVE THEMSELVES.That was my case. I didn't realize it but the hatred they put into me since little made me hate myself and in turn I subconsciously thought I deserved to be abused.Do not seek help from people who hate themselves, and from people who are so religious they don't have a heart anymore.YOU choose for YOURSELFYOU make your own decisionsYOU love YOUWhat has Michael's death taught us ?
I'm sorry your parents make you feel that way. I suppose I have some pretty decent parents...but I don't think any of us escapes without some emotional scaring. My father and I are always setting eachother off. He is very strict and I am the exact opposite. It leads to a lot of arguments, but you make it through.Best of luck Meg.
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