WHEN YOU CAN'T TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN!

Hey there, ladies. I just wanted to add something to this really important article- it's odd you should post this on the day I get back to my computer, Meg! About three weeks ago I was put into a psychiatric facility because of a breakdown. I've been deeply depressed for months over many, many things which I probably needn't talk about right now- most of them involving my family. A lot of times, toxic relationships can be a root of depression. My relationship with my father was, up until a few weeks ago, the most toxic relationship I've ever experienced. He was controlling, angry, and demeaning. While he loved me and meant the best, his comments about my weight and about how I shouldn't be a music major as well as his quick temper and inability to take blame have been taking a toll on me my whole life. He's told me before that many things I have no control over are my fault (like my mother being in drug rehab when I was ten years old). He also told me when I was about nine that he only loved me because he had to love me. When I confronted him about this, at my therapist's urgings, he told me "you deserved it, you were doing your 'crazy shit'." After a rather large blow-up two weeks ago, while I was still in the hospital, I cut off all contact with him and my mother. After the initial sadness and feeling like I was alone, I did a lot of talking to my therapist at the facility. A lot. After a week of intensive therapy and changing my medicines, I went home to continue outpatient therapy, and I can tell you I've never been happier. My esteem has come a long way now that I can realize that things aren't my fault and there are some things that I will never be able to change- there's no use in getting depressed over them! A sweet nurse at the facility taught me this prayer:Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can,and the wisdom to know the difference. It's knowing the difference that's the tough part, but once you figure it out, you won't believe how much easier that heavy load on your back gets! I can't change how my father is, no matter how hard I try; nor can I make him accept me for how I am. That's okay with me. I also can't change my mother's illnesses. I can encourage her to go to therapy, but ultimately, it is her choice, not mine. THANK YOU, Meg, for this wonderful post. I am so glad that you did, because it reminded me how much of a beautiful community this is, inside and out. I know that I have family to help me through, even if I'm just now reconciling with my blood relatives. I have you guys, and I wanted to say thank you.I love you all. <3

Its very scary the way doctors over perscribe,even children,one of our neighbours was really just really naughty(but so was his father as a child),anyway his mom mentioned it to the doctor because he kept getting in trouble in school and he dignoised him as adhd and put him on some kind of tablets which just made him like a zombie.His mother started getting wary of the way they changed him and took him off them.And now his fine- a couple of years on his grown out of the naughtyness on his own and wasnt adhd at all.I aggree with you about tom cruise and the whole brooke shields thing run katie run.

Meg,  Thanks so much for sharing and getting people talking. I'ts been a long time since I have been there but never forrgotten. I was a bit oppisite of you in that I was bi-polar and went through a long period of depression.Parents had to come rescue me from Palm Springs & move me in with them, had a little kid who I wasn't there for.Couldn't focus enough to complete a simpe task like cleaning the bathroom, much less work.  All the while, telling myself things weren't good but they weren't that bad either. I went to one psycologist after another. Do you think they would figure it out. NO!!.  My parents took me to a clinic subsidized by United Way. God knows, they were besides themselves over me. A intern from CSULB after talking to me a few minutes that she suspects I am bi-polar or as they called it then, manic depressive. I get a prescription from lithium. It was my release from hell. I could have talked till I was blue in the face and without that nothing would have changed. Honestly, it still pisses me off that none of the psycogists dianosed me.That's my little story.

I am a puddle...how can I even add anything to this mix that hasn't already been said so perfectly and honestly?Meg: the fact that you'd even consider sharing such a private part of yourself and your life with your readers speaks volumes.We are all so very "human" and you exemplify the best of us all in your humanity.You help all of us in more ways than you know!I want to hug every one of the beautiful ladies above,to sit with you and listen and to tell you from my heart that it may not get "better" right away but that it may become just a bit "easier" if you learn to lean just a bit...and some of us have broad shoulders!We've all been brought up in a society that insists we are "perfect" and that any little physical OR mental OR emotional "flaw" is simply not acceptable...so we go on extreme diets or take diet pills,allow ourselves to be "medicated" by Dr's who care more about their schedule than their patients themselves,drink heavily or self-medicate/use drugs and keep all of our fears and hopes down deep inside because GOD forbid we ever "present" to the world that we are less-than...it sucks and it's hard and it is a vicious-cycle that never seems to end.I would bet there is not one among us who hasn't been on the path to "depression" is some form at some point in their lives and honestly,I don't think there's any one "answer" to the problem,but there IS help out there in many forms....if you can start think of it in terms of "tiny bites" and not "huge leaps" and it all becomes much "eaiser" to handle.I rely on creativity,hobbies, and fitness to help keep me what passes most days for sane and on the love of a good man/great family.When I didn't have these things in my life,I often adopted a "fake it 'till ya' make it" attitude and little by little,the day would get "easier."Not always but most of the time...as Meg says:one step at a time and before you know it,you are out that door! :)I think what's most crucial to realize is that you/we are not alone.I love Meg even more for thowing this door wide open and it's yet another layer of "beauty" that surfaces when you know you have like-minded people who can care and share at your fingertips...I feel so very fortunate to have such amazing people such as yourselves in my life,even in such a small way...gives me hope for us all!Hugs to you all,my life is better for all that you share so know that you add to MY "healing" by being so absolutely incredible!

Meg, thank you for opening up this discussion.  I too have had my share of depression.  I've been taking Lexapro for a few years now and plan to take it (or something like it) for the rest of my life.  I am better with it than without it!  Fortunately, the dosage I'm on seems just right for me - so I'm not robotic, just have the rough edges smoothed out.  And that allows me to be my best.People need to understand that depression can come from your genetics (my mother and grandmother both had depression issues) and/or events in our lives.  It's not a weakness! My first husband died 11 years ago.  He was truly my soulmate, and I wanted to die when he did.  Meds, counseling, and time got me through that period.  I'm remarried now, but still miss him greatly.  Both of my parents died in the last couple of years, after suffering from rare diseases.  I was able to care for them without collapsing in grief - mainly because of my Lexapro (IMHO).  To end this long posting - if you're feeling worthless, depressed, in a black hole, or whatever:  do not assume you just have to suck it up!  Get help.  Talking to your friends may help, but sometimes a professional therapist is what you need.  Or anti-depressants.  To quote Billie Holliday's song "ain't nobody's business if I do."And thank God for the beautiful, supportive women on this site!  Vexy, I'm so glad you're feeling better now.  You are handling your family situation with maturity and wisdom beyond your years.  Love y'all, Carole

Meg, I commend you (..and all the other ladies) for opening up and sharing your personal experience with everyone.  It takes alot of courage to share complicated and painful things like mental illness.  I am proud of you for many reasons -- rising above your mom's illness and freeing yourself from blame (I remember those "bad" days in high school) and second-guessing the doctors who wrongly over-medicated you.  You know yourself better than anyone else.  Trust your own instincts.    Love you, gem 

Depression is a word I am intimately familiar with. I grew up in a home where my mother told me on a daily basis from the time I was born that I was the worst thing that ever happened to her!  My mom told me that the day I was born all 4 of my grandparents died and that I caused that to happen!  My mother also told me that the reason she was sick was because of me.  Everything horrible in her life was because of me.  It was definitely difficult NOT to go into extreme depression living with a mother like mine.  My mother talked all day long to people only she could see and she would be screaming at the top of her lungs to these imaginary people and I could hear her from outside the house when I came home from school every day.  I hated my mother and I hated my life most of the time.  I am an only child and for my dad and I to live with this totally insane woman – it was our living hell on earth.  My mother had Schizophrenia and a host of other mental illness ailment.  I never wanted any of my friends to come over or for anybody to see or hear my mother so I was pretty much of a loner all through grade school and high school.  Being the daughter of my insane mother and experiencing life with her at home as well as going to see her in mental hospitals and knowing every detail of what shock treatments do to a person was more than I ever wanted to be my reality and definitely gave me grounds for my own depression.  Then there’s the part of me that constantly fought with the fact that I detested my mother because you are supposed to love your mother just because she’s your mother!  I hated my mother for her entire life and it wasn’t until she died, all alone, in the hospital of cancer, that I realized what a living hell HER life was for HER!  I used to wish my father would have affairs just so he’d have some fun in his life, our home was THAT dysfunctional!  My dad is the reason I’m sane and who gave me my sense of humor which I will be thankful to him for, for the rest of my life.  Through the years I have had several times of depression and I know just about all of them were based on my low self-esteem from how I was raised by my mentally disturbed mother. 
 
 
I could tell you so many stories of my experiences with depression, but the youngest one I will tell you now is…when I was in high school, I was unpopular, and nobody paid any attention to me, of course, other than the negative attention my mother laid on my ears every single day….well one day I had reached my quota of depression and I thought I’ll teach my parents a lesson.  By high school age, my father was really strict and had RULES for me which of course I felt were unfair, anyway…I just decided then and there when I woke up that particular morning that I’d make them pay some GOOD attention to me!  So, I went into the bathroom, and I forced myself to drink an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol (and believe me) this is NOT easy to do – practically impossible because your body rejects this right away, but I did it.  I got violently sick, so sick that my parents thought I had the flu and kept me out of school for a week, but I lived of course and it didn’t help me at all except that forever after, I cannot go anywhere near rubbing alcohol without involuntarily gagging!  This was just the first time I realized I probably needed to talk to somebody, but I was still young and any depressed feelings would never be talked about and IF I did, “Oh my God – it will mean I’m turning into my mother!”
 
It’s so important to find the RIGHT person to talk to; I have been to therapists throughout my long life at various times when I realize my low points are not in a healthy place, some have really helped me and some really gave me bad advice and some just wanted to give me a prescription and send me on my way!  There is help out there, and you should never be afraid to talk about your worst thoughts to somebody you can trust.  Just getting the words out – the awful words that you might be ashamed of, or words that might hurt your deepest most fragile places to say out loud, helps you!  Keeping all your sad/depressed thoughts inside never helps and just takes you further down.  You have control of your life and you alone need to make the decision to do something to pick yourself back up.  Depression is something people don’t want to talk about, it has a type of ‘stigma’ where people whisper if they know you have it, so it’s hard to make yourself get help.  Do it for yourself – get help – if you need it.  If you have cancer someone will say “She has cancer!” in a normal tone of voice but if you have depression, people tend to whisper behind their hand, with their eyes downcast…whispering ”She is depressed.”   There is nothing easy about depression!
 
Even writing about this now….it’s from a scary place, a place I have always felt should be hidden.  If people don’t’ know your entire story they accept you for what they see etc. but once they learn something about your past; people either accept you still or if they are judgmental, suddenly they don’t like you as much or think as highly of you if you have a ‘background’ that doesn’t register as acceptable in their world.   Seeing the writings here today, was heartwarming to me and much like coming into a room where all your friends just like you are waving ‘Hello’ and are all waiting and anxious to hug you as much as you want to hug them after learning of their story.

Jeana: Know that I for one believe you to be one of the most delightful ,funny, and truly amazing women I have the honor be being friends with.You my dear,exemplify grace under pressure to me and I think your spirit is amazing and affirming knowing what you must have overcome.Thanks for being you.:)

Ladies, as a nearly yearlong "fringe player" to this site, you've hit a chord with me that is forcing me to not just do my daily reading, laughing and learning (oh my Lord, the wonderful things I've learned from all of you), but to speak.I've suffered clinical depression for about 19 years now - and to see my comtemporaries talk about it in the open is so refreshing. I so wish there'd been a forum like this back when I was struggling to convince myself that I just had something deficient in my brain - I wasn't a freak of nature. All's well with me these days, but holy cow was it a tough road back then. Now, with the help of my WONDERFUL doctor and her wisdom & patience(and well chosen meds), as well as a fairly supportive hubby, I feel as though I could be a poster child for coming out of the dark.My personal favorite catch phrase when I feel that darkness just possibly creeping up on me is "this too shall pass". So simple and so sweet, but so profound.

I am so happy that I found this wonderful little web community where everyone is so amazing and supportive. I too have been affected by my own depression and others' through out my life. I've never been on medication mainly because long-term med use of any kind doesn't mesh well with my body. I'm glad that many of you have found medications and other therapies that work well for you because each and every one of you deserve to feel happiness.

Hi, I just got an account because i read about this on Makeupalley...Oh my gosh I just want to cry...How brave and lovely are you Meg???  I have struggled with so much in my life as well, how happy I am to have found this!!!I look forward to becoming part of this community!  I will get a picture up as soon as my 12 year does it for me!  Not so tech savy!Makeup reviews and the true beauty of feeling and life...the honesty is remarkable and so refreshing!I am such a believer in whatever can help.  Science has made such huge advances, luckily for us, so many no longer need to struggle with the symptons of depression, help is here!  Just a generation ago, there was no help!  What a treat to come home and discover you all! 

All of you women are so amazing.  It just shows that we are really more alike than we are different.  I have had different bouts of depression and anxiety problems over the years.  I am doing well now but I never forget how difficult and painful depression can be.These type of frank discussions are what help us all to overcome such difficult challenges.  As far as medication goes, my husband put it perfectly."Would you expect someone with diabetes to think themselves better?"  It is a real illness, you just have to make sure you do your homework, find the right health care provider and be your own advocate at all times.  Thank you Meg for loving all of us enough to share so much.   

I just want you all to know that I applaud you for being so open, so honest, and for never giving up.  I guess I'd have to say my darkest hour came about a year ago when I finally had to give up trying to have a baby. It just wasn't meant to be and I got really depressed for a while.  So depressed I felt like I couldn't breathe.  Then one day I simply woke up and realized I'm only34 and have a LONG life ahead of me.  And as I once heard BRILLIANTLY put in a movie..."You've only got one life.  You can either make it Chicken Shit...Or Chicken Salad!"  So my hubby and I are going to wait until Sammie graduates next year and then we are going to start travelling and doing things for us.  The thought of kissing my husband on the canals of Venice made me want to start breathing again.

I've really been depressed my whole life.  I'm a very happy person too, but I'm also depressed.  It is weird.  I believe that I have body dysmorphic disorder.  I have always viewed my body as very inadequate and in negative ways.  I'm also depressed about the current economic situation.  It is always a hard time to find a job after you get out of college.  But especially in today's economy.  it's like I graduated into financial ruin.  I'm also very depressed about the weight I gained during college.  I'm also depressed at how hard it is to find a attractive, loyal, good-intentioned Christian man in today's world:(

This is such a powerful post! Thank you all for sharing such personal touching experiences.  I think we can all relate to this in some way or another at some point in our life, some more severe than others but we are all the same at the end of the day. We all have our issue, insecurities, etc. But we should all remember that in God (or whatever you want a call it) eyes we are all whole and perfect! So why can't we see this sometimes?!  I've had my share of up's and down's. Sometimes I don't how I got myself out of it but I see it as a learning experience and finding who I'm really are. And great family and friends support. I wouldn't change any of it, It made me who I am today. I personaly think key is happiness and gratitude! I know easier said than done sometimes ;-) But everything is possible, we can all live a happy life. We are all beautiful individuals! Every morning I start my day with this little line "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better" and I say thank you for all that I'm grateful for. I do this at night too. Some days I will stop and be like "I am so happy" wow... I could I've been living in such darkness before, this usualy happens when I'm in nature, usualy hiking or working in my gardens. And NO I'm not on any drugs or any religion, just trying to be positive and happy. ;-)Here is a description of who you really are:I AM whole.I AM perfect.I AM strong.I AM powerful.I AM loving.I AM harmonious.I AM happy.Got any work to do?(Unknown Author)

I've kept up with this post to my amazement that so many suffer from depression as I do. When I first read it I was unable to respond. My typical response when something touches me deep - I suck it in and pretend I'm untouched. Several family tragedies can do this to a person. Knowing so many of you girls struggle with depression is a bit overwhelming and helpful at the same time. Overwhelming because my heart breaks to know so many struggle with this issue. Helpful because I'm accustomed to taking my little "stablilizer" pill all alone with some guilt that I need a crutch. Never mind the psyche appointments that I always manage to reschedule.Meg, thanks for this post.

I also want to say how this is such a beautiful and inspirational article. We all have our problems and fall under some kind of category and this article can help those in some way. Thank You dearly

Thanks for sharing your story; it will let many people know that they aren't alone. And you become a stronger person because of it.

Wow, thank you for this article, I have a friend who is suffering through depression. I will be emailing this to her to show her that she is not alone.

oh Meg, I remember when that happened and I was totally feeling for you. I went through depression a few times (i don't think one ever gets healed of it but it goes into remission) over the past 8 years i've been depressed 3 times and the first time was horrible! i had nobody to talk to and if i wasn't at work (where i would hide in my office and not come out unless somebody had a question) i was at home in bed. terrible horrible feeling and then one day i just got so sick of it and made myself go for a walk. i felt so good after my walk i decided i was going to go again the next day, this time i brought my cd walkman (remember, this was in 2000, no ipods back then. only bulky cd walkmans!) and walked. well, i kept walking and a couple months later i was able to pull myself out of that funk. to this day i've sworn that i would never want anyone i know, no matter how little i know them or not to go through anything like that alone and yes, singing little funny ditty's like your little one foot in front of the other is a great way to make a friend forget about the pain they're going through. even if just for a minute. that little chuckle you gave them has planted a seed of something they once had and now realize they can have again. good for you, you're a wonderful lady and someone i admire dearly. much love and respect to you.d.

Thank you for talking about this.  I had surgery a few years ago and right after I became very depressed.  For seemingly no reason.  Anyway, I kept telling everyone I could not live like this.  It was getting the best of me.  Then I saw a doctor who prescribed the EXACT same cocktail you had.  It worked.  Then I stopped it all because I became pregnant.  I felt fine throughout the whole pregnancy even after stopping the medication cold turkey.  HOWEVER, the 3rd day after delivery it hit again and this time with avengance!  All I could do was hold my baby and cry, feed my baby and cry, change my baby and cry.  I felt no attachment to this little blessing that I once LOVED with ALL my heart when she was in the belly.    I was put on another medication that has helped.  Now it's a Bright, bright, bright sun shiny day!  I thank God everyday for my beautiful smart gorgeous sweet blessed baby and my beautiful life and the intelligent doctors who are here to help.

Thank you for writing this, Meg.  I think it's important to realize that you (and everyone) has a breaking point.  You seem to have handled it the very best that you could and thank you for sharing it with us.  We all have bouts of sadness or depression in varying degrees at one point in our lives and it's very important to have a network of family or friends to support you like your friend did.  Talking to someone is one of the firsts steps to take in getting back to being a happy healthy person.

that last line really hit me. im one that tends to keep things inside and its hard for me to break outta that, but it is true...once you let go..the problem really does seem easier to handle

Wow, thanks for this post. I have a friend who seemed depressed and said that she used to cut herself. I know that she's happy and smiling now, but I think I'll show her this post and maybe even sing the rally call to her!